My Confidence Cruisers

I noticed on Facebook that our local running store was having a contest. Upload a photo of your shoes and rename them. No Adrenaline or Mirage or Wave Riders - what would YOU call your shoes. I happened to see this after a pretty epic afternoon run and the first (cheesy) think that popped into my head was "Confidence Cruisers." So, I went with it, uploaded a photo of my wet shoes with this caption.

These are my "Confidence Cruisers."  I started running about 2 years ago. 

Since that time, my weight had dropped and my confidence has soared.  

This confidence has affected every area of my life, including my marriage, 

parenting, career and friendships.  

I am not a new person - just the real me that was hiding in an unfit body.

And although I truly believe I'm not a new or different person because of running, I can also honestly say that running changed my life. Without it, I might have continued to burrow deeper inside myself, hiding the real me behind more fat, unhappiness, and frankly nastiness. It's hard to be pleasant when you feel so badly about yourself. I am so thankful that I found a release, a way to come out. Like a weight was lifted from me - figuratively and literally.

[pre-run, feeling good!]

In other excellent news, I ran today at lunch. It was a bit grey, but no snow or rain. The sidewalks were a mess of slushiness but very little ice (yay for not falling!). My shoes and socks were quickly soaked, but it wasn't too bad. Actually? It was awesome. One of the best runs I have had in AGES. I felt strong. Just ran along and whatever felt comfortable, ignored my Garmin.

I decided to try my Altras again, fully expecting the usual calf pain/tightness after mile 2 and numb feet around 2.5 (it's been an ongoing battle).  I happened to glance down at my watch around mile 3 and realized how strong I felt. Nothing hurt. I wasn't pushing the pace on purpose, but it felt like I was moving along at a decent clip (at least when I wasn't trying to dodge the more major "lakes" that I came across).

After a good run yesterday, this second confidence-booster was just what I needed.

[post-run, feeling even better]

Knowing When to Walk Away...

Alternate Title:  Touch Decisions

Alternate Title #2:  #firstworldproblems

So. 

Things don't always go as you plan... 

Just over a month ago, I was over the moon excited to be training for another marathon. It was just the thing I needed to get my running mojo back in business.  Or so I thought. I quickly realized that I wasn't as mentally ready for this training round as when I started training for the Detroit marathon last summer. Week 1 I hit all my planned runs, but it was a challenge.  Week 2 saw me in bed for most of the week sooooo sick.

To be honest, I never really recovered from that. I mean I did physically, although even that took awhile.  But mentally, I was shot. I just could not get my mental game under control. And marathon training is hugely mental. Then I went through a couple of weeks of an on-and-off serious F.U.N.K. I threatened to quit more than once. But I knew I didn't want to make that kind of a choice while in a funk. I knew I'd regret it.

I was finally able to break out of that funk last week. That's probably a story for another post, but I was doing much better. I got some really good runs in - the kind that just make you happy to be outside!  I was happy.

And just like that, I knew I had to pull out of training. The decision was finally clear and so, I made it.

And I felt instant relief.

Do I want to run Bayshore?  YES

Do I hate that little voice that says "you're a quitter"?  YES

Do I HATE that I already signed up and will lose the entrance fee?  YES

Do I have other things on my plate right now that take precedence over all those vain feelings?  YES

 YES YES

I'm busy. 

I will say that aloud. I will scream it from the rooftops if I must. I need to hear it. I'm busy! I have too many other priorities right now. Getting our new family in order has taken a bit more out of me physically, mentally and emotionally than I bargained for. Digging into some freelance work has me excited, but is a huge time and effort commitment. These extra commitments simply heighten the need for me to keep a close watch on my marriage. Because anyone that knows me well knows that its Mark that keeps me going. :) My marriage is simply not expendable and can never be last in line.All of these pieces in my life are competing with lil' ole me.

And so, for this season, training doesn't make the short list.  

Am I going to stop running? NO. Not. at. all. Am I going to do it for fun and tension release, rather than because I need to up my mileage for training? Yes. That's where I need to be right now.

And I know I'm not a quitter. I had the courage to walk away before I went crazy. ;)  And that's a huge step in the right direction...

Poor, Poor Poncho

[So happy to be heading home!]

[Yeeeouch]

[Snoozing in the living room, rather than tackling all those stairs... ]

This is Poncho. Some of you know Poncho. Most people who meet Poncho love him.  Unless they are really bothered by nervous peeing. He's got a bit of a problem with that. And he's a bit passive aggressive. And a rotten food-stealer. All in all, he's sort of an adorable mess of a dog and has been since he was very young. He has also been an old man since about 1 year old, but now that he is approaching 10, he is starting to be a bit more legitimately old.

Anyhoo, poor Ponch blew out his ACL last year and we had it repaired over the summer. He's been doing much better ever since, until this past weekend when he started limping like crazy and was in obviously terrible pain. I was so upset, assuming that his ACL blew again somehow. :( We knew we wouldn't do the surgery again.But we took  him to the vet and found out that a strap used in the surgery (that holds down the muscle over the implant while it heals, I think) slipped and was hanging lose in his leg. What? So, the vet kept him overnight and surgically removed the offending strap and sent Ponch home. 

He practically RAN out of the office on Tuesday - so glad to be busted free I guess! He's still favoring it quite a bit, even though he should be using it more by now. He's kind of a baby... But he's on the mend. There was a bigger incision than I had expected but just glad that he's okay. 

These fur babies sure steal your heart don't they?

Lent... and letting go.

Today is Ash Wednesday.  I grew up in a Catholic family and observed the Lenten season for many years. It has been awhile since I've considered myself a Catholic, but only a few years since I have stopped acknowledging the "rules" of Lent (i.e. many years of Friday tuna fish lunches, etc!).  However, today I  completely forgot it was Ash Wednesday until about an hour ago - after eating a leftover enchilada (with ground turkey).  Sigh. Ah well, pretty sure God will forgive the turkey.

But I digress.

I have been thinking about Lent more this year than I have in awhile.  Maybe it's just where I am at right now, but I know I *need* something and it must come from God. Despite knowing that, I have been struggling to get close to Him, finding excuses to make everything else the priority. As anyone could guess, that has simply caused a vicious cycle and left me feeling... just off.

So.

What better time than Lent than to take steps toward God? To stop being so off and find a way back on again.

Usually during Lent, people give up luxuries, things like sweets or social media. Some form of penitence (I've given up pop and chocolate too many times to count!). This year, I'm working on giving up control. I spoke a little about control here, and although I do want to avoid micromanaging my family, what I am speaking about now is more about more generally giving up control to God. Trying less to get my ducks in a row (or a tight military formation!) and more about trusting. Not hoarding my fears and worries, but giving them up to the only One who can really do anything about them. 

It's about giving up the ugliness inside, letting it out; instead of trying to bury it and hide it and keep it for my own. It's about not having it all together - not pretending to have it all together - and not needing to have it all together. And appreciating the many blessings I have, whether I have it all together or not!

I'm still brainstorming what this might mean for the next 40(ish) days. I expect journaling, self reflection (perhaps some here, plenty privately).  I have a few books I want to read.  And prayer.

[Side bar:  Here's a confession - I find praying really hard. I get distracted. It's always been difficult for me to imagine this direct line with God in a way that makes prayer a natural conversation. One way I want to tackle this is to commit to at least one unplugged run a week - no music, no audio book. Just my thoughts or lack thereof. I am fairly confident that I will start talking to myself, which seems a good lead in to prayer. :) End side bar]

Since February is already half over and I never actually sat down and gave myself some goals, I'm not going to. I'm going to work on this. I'm going to work on letting go...

Adoption and Control

Here's another little thing no one ever told me about adoption.  It will change the way you parent.

Wait. Strike that. It may change the way your parent. At least, it did for me.

I wouldn't say I am a Type A person. I wouldn't say I am particularly laid back either. I think that, for the most part, I fall somewhere in between, ebbing and flowing, depending upon the day or the topic at issue. I never used to think of myself as a controlling person. 

I know parents that won't let their children out of the house unless they are spit-shined and perfectly dressed (matching of course).  That's not a hot-button issue for me. Have any of you seen Ally? She never matches. :) 

But just because a combo of stripes and plaid doesn't get me all worked up, doesn't mean I don't want to control other things.

Was it always like this? Our pre-adoption days seem so long ago, but I don't think so. Especially not for my husband, who is in fact, a very laid back guy. 

Sometime, very shortly after returning from Ethiopia the first time, our parenting style began to change. It had to. It was survival.

[Mark and the kids mid-2008]

You see, Abi and Hana went from a life of very limited choice to one, by comparison, that was full of the unknown and new in almost every waking moment. New foods, new clothes, animals, people, weather, language. It was extraordinarily overwhelming and overstimulating. So the control started, in large, part, to minimize the stress for them. 

We would lay out two outfits for them to chose from, rather than give them full reign to dig through their closets. They could have this or that for lunch, a banana or an orange for snack. Sometimes, even limited choices were too much.  Slowly, this changed, but it took time.

But the control went beyond food and clothing; it had to. Both kids had just spent significant time in an orphanage and there were consequences that needed to be addressed. We had to limit the amount of people in their lives who were permitted to give them physical affection. For example, we withdrew Abi from preschool (for several reasons, but) in part because his teachers were constantly hugging and holding him. Then, Mark would come to pick him up at lunch time and Abi would hide from him. It was not good for our attachment.

Then we adopted an older child. The first few months we were just trying to awkwardly get to know each other, with out limited language skills. We knew we had "broken all the rules" on older child adoption by going so far out of birth order, so we were careful. We were observant and tried to keep an eye on everyone - to keep everyone safe and happy.

Do you know what constant vigilance does to you after two years?

It changes you. It changes how you parent. It changes your norm, your status quo.

But life continues to change. Kids continue to develop and grow and thrive. But control has not completely left us.

Control - something that started out as a benefit to my children, a safety mechanism - has turned into something ugly and unhelpful.

I never wanted to be a helicopter mom. I didn't think I even had it in me. I don't double-check every answer on my kid's homework and then fix the ones that are wrong. I don't demand that teacher's change their grades. If they forget their lunches or library books, I don't run them up to the school. They deal with their own consequences.

However, lately it has become clear to me that I am struggling with other control issues. It tends to crop up in different ways, catching me off guard. I'm doing my best to (1) be aware of it, and (2) address it. This appears to involve some soul-searching and introspection on my part. Blech. But it is a much-needed exercise, for the benefit of my kids and myself. It's hard enough to control my own life, I certainly don't need the extra obligation of micro-managing theirs. :)

Three Things Thursday - Funk Edition

(1) I've been in a terrible funk this week. Monday was the worst, but I was able to "hid" in my cubicle for the most part and not ruin anyone's day.  It got a lot better by the evening, but hasn't quite fully dissipated.

I think I've just got a lot of my plate. It's not that it's too much as it is the fact that I put off organizing and prioritizing what's there. :) I'm slowly working on that and feeling better, but still find that the residual funk is hanging on.


(2) Likely contributing to the funk is the fact that I'm still not quite feeling 100%. I haven't been able to hear out of my right ear in nearly three weeks and today I confirmed its still very infected. Awesome. The new "ringing" is an unpleasant addition...

(3)  It's snowing. Again. Another 6-12 inches predicted. It's pretty, but I'm really over it this year. Didn't that groundhog see his shadow??

Bayshore Training Wk 2 - What week two?

So, this will be a short post.  I mentioned in my week 1 recap that I was pretty sick last Saturday, but I was able to get my long run in Sunday. Unfortunately, things went downhill from there. Tuesday found me in urgent care, with another doctor visit on Friday. The long and short is that it was a nasty upper respiratory infection (viral) that caused horrendously painful ear infections (like keep-you-up-all-night-crying-curled-into- the-fetal-position-infections).  Add in some wicked fatigue, sore throat and general feeling rotten-ness... well, it was a rough week.

Then, as a fun after-effect, my ears plugged up and I lost my voice. So, I can't really hear well or speak very well. Lovely. My husband said if someone stole my glasses, I would have to communicate like Helen Keller. (Not very PC I suppose, but it made me laugh.)

Result?  No running. :(

All week. 

I'm not going into this training with a ton of confidence, so this wasn't exactly what I needed, but I also knew that making myself even sicker was not going to help matters.  I hope to start this Monday off with my scheduled run, taking it easy, and fingers crossed things can get back to normal! 

And even MORE fingers crossed that this crud moves out of our house soon! Seems like SOMEONE has been sick since we got back from Colombia. Need some health in this house soon. 

Some Recent Luvs ...

Well, my three day weekend was rather ruined by a nasty cold which induced an extraordinarily painful ear infection (more specifically two - the middle and outer ear of my right ear are infected. The left ear has a bunch of fluid but is not really infected yet. Lovely). Anyhoo, I'm still feeling pretty rotten, so something rather mindless and cheery is just what I need to post about!  So, here are a few things I'm enjoying lately, with no particular order or meaning:

What I'm watching ....

DOWNTON ABBEY.  Okay, okay, I was late to this party, but still! We breezed through the first season (available on Netflix) in about a week and the second (available on amazon prime) a bit longer.  We just started the season premier (PBS website) last night, but it was too long to finish. I really enjoy this as a period piece, as a commentary on class and a look at the various hierarchies  within the aristocratic family and their servants as well. Fascinating.  Bonus - Mark likes it too!  I'm always interested in everyone's favorite characters. I think mine is Mr. Carson. Or maybe the Dowager Countess (I do love Maggie Smith).

 

I'm also excited about Season 3 of Game of Thrones! Storm of Swords might have been my favorite book of the series so far. Lots going on for sure. Interesting fact - Ser Jorah of Thrones was also a regular character on Downton, Season 2!

What I'm reading...

I just finished reading Quitter, by Jon Acuff. I'm hoping to do a bit of a review about this soon.  The general gist is that it is a book about following your dreams, career-wise: "closing the gap between your dream job and your day job."  But I think the book is much more than that and found more than a few gems and things that got me thinking about all areas of my life.  I would recommend it even if you aren't looking to quit your job.

I have gathered several others recommendations and gotten a few other books from the library. I've started several that are all good, but a bit depressing, which isn't what I"m looking for right now. I may have to table those for the time being.  

 

Two books I enjoyed reading last year include the Night Circus and What Alice Forgot. Just in case you needed some suggestions. :)  Both kept me entertained but not overwhelmed. What Alice Forgot isn't particularly deep on the surface (and would likely be better if a sizable chunk of the story was removed), but it gave me a lot to think about in my own life. Led to some good mind ramblings...Night Circus was a really neat story about magic, fantasy and real life coming together, which a bit of a historic element.

 .

 What I'm listening to...

I'm pretty terrible when it comes to keeping up on music and such. I'm a big fan of audio books and listen to them quite a bit when I run.  I also like podcasts.  I'm currently listening to Wild, but Cheryl Strayed, a story about a woman hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. I started this on my 9 miler on Sunday and, frankly, the beginning is super-depressing. I likely would have changed it, but I was so cold I didn't want to stop running. It definitely picked up for me when it got to the hiking part. I am looking forward to finishing it. I'm also enjoying the another mother runner podcasts, which I think would be pretty entertaining even if you aren't a mother. But that's hard for me to say since I am. :) 

 . 

What I'm wearing...

Warm stuff. It's like - 15 degrees. To be honest, even aside from being sick, I would be struggling with my running in this weather. I have cold running apparel, but nothing that's really appropriate for below zero temps. I'm just hoping it warms up a tad while I'm recovering! 

Well, that's enough randomness for one day! 

2012 in Review... and Welcome 2013!!

2012 was a pretty major year for me and our family. We had our ups and downs, but are so, so thankful. I wanted to take a few minutes to review a few of those high (and low) points as I prepare for the new year. There are a lot of these random surveys going around the blogosphere, but I'm just going to make my own categories. :) Looking over both (a) the categories I chose, and (b) my answers, makes me realize the following will also likely provide the basis for my goal setting for 2013 :) That's handy.

Biggest Accomplishment or Event (Running/Fitness)

The obvious answer is the Detroit Marathon.  It was my first (though I expect not my last) marathon and something that I NEVER thought I could do (or even want to) until this year. To accomplish that - well, it almost turns your whole world on its head doesn't it?  I mean, what ELSE can I do!??! 

That being said, a close follow up would be the Riverbank Run 25k.  At that point, that was my longest race (and the longest I ever expected to run).  We had some personal challenges right before it and I was in a tough place mentally. That race was hard for me, harder than I expected, but crossing that finish line was just such a relief. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Additionally, although I did not quite meet my time goal, I did meet my goal of running the whole way and staying on pace - pretty big accomplishments. 

Biggest Accomplishment or Event (Non-Running/Fitness)

I'm not entirely sure it qualifies as an "accomplishment," but it was certainly a wonderful life changing event to add Jhon to our family this year. Our entire trip to Colombia and these first few weeks home have been surreal.  And although things are certainly not perfect, I have never felt more sure of our decisions and choices in how we have built our family.

Additionally, I feel like I learned a lot more about all our children who have joined us from hard places. Learned a little more about their particular hard places and about trauma generally. Which all led me to realizing how much I still do not know. It's going to be a lifetime of learning really, but we continue to work on this so we can be the best parents possible to these wonderful kids. No easy task though.

Oooooh wait, I have ANOTHER ONE (way too hard to pick!).  This summer, Mark and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. They haven't all been wonderful or easy, but they have all been extraordinarily important and part of who I am as a person, who we are. I am so, so blessed to have this man by my side. :)

Biggest Injury

Fortunately, I've been really lucky in this department. But I did suffer a stupid broken toe during marathon training that derailed me a tad. Frankly, it is still a bit stiff and sore if I mess with it. Don't disregard those toes!

Biggest Regret (Running/Fitness)

Hands down, lack of cross training/strength training. Running has been my go-to exercise since the beginning of 2011. It's efficient and doesn't require much thought. But the truth is that it isn't very complete by itself. I really felt my lack of core strength during those late miles of the marathon and I simply must make this a bigger priority if I want to get faster in 2013.Plus, I would like to jiggle less. Thank you.

Biggest Regret (Non-Running/Fitness)

This year we made the very difficult decision to leave our church. I don't regret the actual choice (hard as it was)- I think it was the right choice. However, I do regret that I still feel unsettled. We have been attending another church, but I haven't really committed myself yet and I'm not quite sure why. A lot has had to do with timing - with Colombia and adding Jhon to our family, the last few months have been chaotic to say the least. But if I'm honest, I started letting my relationship with God slip long before that.  In a year where I needed Him more than ever, I have allowed other things to take priority. I must rectify this in 2013.

Miles Ran -  927!

I should be over the moon about this number - that really is a lot! But I admit to being a tad disappointed that it fell far short of 1000 (which is dumb since I never truly made 1000 a goal). 1000 should have been easy to hit but with only 16 miles in Nov and 31 in December (compared to 142 in August...) it just wasn't in the cards. So we try for 4 digits in 2013!

Family Update!
The years just seem to pass faster and faster! 2012 saw the kids turn 15, 11, 9, 8, 6 and 5. The 6 are spread over 3 schools (9th, 6th, 4th, 3rd, 1st and K grades). Whew. Makes me tired to even think it! :)  Feeling so very, very blessed.

 

Bring it on 2013!

Happy New Year!

Change... and a Challenge

[morning journaling]

As Christmas festivities wind down and the new year looms, the word "change" seems to come to the forefront of my consciousness. I'm not one to set myself "resolutions" every year (although I do occasionally).  Even if I don't lay out specific goals for myself, the idea of starting fresh, of becoming better, takes up residence in my mind.

But I've been thinking about other changes as well.

With adding to our family, you would think "change" is the word of the month around here. And yet, it's not. Such a big change in theory has caused barely a blip in our daily lives. Jhon has settled in with us with such ease, it's like he's always been here. Like there was always this place waiting for him and now it's filled. I was all geared up for this major life change. It's almost been anti-climatic (albeit in a good way!). 

And there are other changes. Things that change nothing, but change everything. A new piece of knowledge and suddenly your world has completely shifted - everything is different! - but the rest of the world continues on with their daily lives, completely unaffected. How to process this?

[That probably all seems completely random, but it makes sense to me and it's my blog.]

This morning after Mark left for work, I pulled out a new journal and started writing my random, whirlwind thoughts. I haven't done this in well over a year. It was messy, confusing and therapeutic. It was necessary. Change comes, whether we want it or not. The changes we need to make seem to come hard. The changes we want to avoid are so often thrust upon us. 

I need to take some time to reflect each day and work through these changes and challenges.  I need to take time to focus myself on my goals and my health (physical, mental, spiritual).  I simply need to stop and center myself each day before the hustle and bustle of life takes over.

So, I'm taking on Amanda's 5 minute challenge.  

photo credit: Run to the Finish

Amanda has challenged her readers to:

Challenge: 5 minutes upon waking spent saying affirmations, creating a gratitude list, meditating, or free writing. 

That simple. The idea being it is completely attainable - only 5 minutes. And it's a small thing to change, yet creates a wonderful habit. 

I love it. I need it. 

So I started today. I cheated and spent much more than 5 minutes. Mostly because I had more than 5 minutes (unusual) and because I needed more today. I already feel better.

I plan to expand on her challenge slightly. For January, I am going to focus on simply getting up when I need to get up (as determined the night before). That means I set a plan and actually follow through. Lately, I have laid out running clothes at night, only to turn off my alarm come the morning. Then I'm running around, late and frustrated, when I could have gotten in a workout, some personal reflection, and a cup of coffee. 

January will be focused on setting myself up for success in the most basic and important way possible - starting the day right. 

[Perry got tired of waiting for me to finish writing this morning...]

Christmas Favorites...

I have several posts rattling around in my head, but zero time to get them out. Between sick kids (five of the six) and sick ME and Mark (who is STILL sick), it's been a rough couple of weeks.

So, I'm stealing this little survey from Bari. :)

1.  Favorite Christmas Album/CD/Song:

I love the classics, especially the ones that remind me of advent/ church services as a child. BUT if I'm really honest, my ultimate fav is this gem from Hanson (yup, the mmmBop guys):





2.  Run on Christmas morning or take the day off? I would normally say day off for sure, but this year I MAY try and sneak one in if I can. There are a few reasons for this but the primary two are that we are skipping most of our usual holiday-hussle-and-bussle this year so we are getting plenty of family time (hence, I won't feel terrible if I leave for 30 min or so). Also, I am THIS close to meeting my mileage goal for the year, but it's going to be tight.  I want to hit that number.  ;) 

3.  What do you usually eat on Christmas morning? We actually don't really have a tradition for this. I have tried different things, but generally the kids could care less. :) Mark bought some big muffins for this year so at least that's easy.

4.  Favorite holiday or Christmas tradition?  Tough call, but I think it is probably ornaments. Growing up, my parents bought us each an ornament every year, usually something that reminded them of us that particular year. We try and do the same with our kids.  Our tree is getting rather full though!

5.  Real tree, fake tree, or no tree? Fake. I've never had a real tree. I'm allergic and we found out Ally is TERRIBLY allergic. So fake all the way. Works.

6.  Christmas pajamas, yay or nay? This is another tradition I enjoy. We gift the kids new PJs on Christmas Eve. They are usually not holiday themed but they are comfy. Kids wear them that night. Upside - no ratty PJs in Christmas morning photos :)

7.  Where do you spend the holidays? This year, all at home. We bowed out of most holiday parties in order to just catch up and let Jhon settle into our family. We usually celebrate with Mark's family early in December and mine Christmas Eve but traditions are changing. Not sure what next year will bring.  Looking forward to seeing my brother's family next weekend!  Miss those kids so much.

8.  Food that you always have during the holiday season/favorite Christmas treat? Sugar cookies?  We rarely bake those any other time of year. Also, love me some Buckeyes. Hoping to make some tomorrow but we'll see... 

9.  Open presents all at once or take turns? Definitely take turns. Otherwise, it's over in 2 minutes! We don't do many gifts per child, but with six kids, it can last a little while if you take turns. :) 

10. Favorite Christmas(ish) movie?  Tough call. I think I'd have to go with White Christmas. It's been a favorite since forever. More modern one would definitely be Elf. :) I watched Elf last night with the kids and they laughed at me and how hard I laughed (felt like I was channeling you mom!).  But seriously, "Santa!  I KNOW him!"  It's hilarious. 

Back in the saddle again

Whew! It's not even 8:30 and I'm feeling plum tuckered out. Today was my first day back at work. Fortunately it was low key, so I made some serious progress on my stack of work. Still, I was feeling a little rusty and just felt zapped when I got home. I don't suppose working through lunch or working late on day one helped much either.

Ally has been sick since Friday night and still doesn't seem quite over it. :-( Fingers crossed that this bug doesn't make the rounds...

I know I'm overdue on a few posts. Everyone has been asking about our travel back and our first weekend home. I'll get there, promise! The short answer is that we're good. Very good. :-)

Now to squeeze in a bit more work before my brain shuts down. Fortunately, I have some adorable cuddle bugs to keep me company.

Gratitude

"No one who achieves success does so without the help of others.
The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude."
Alfred North Whitehead

 

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget

that the highest appreciation is not to utter words,

 but to live by them."
John Fitzgerald Kennedy

We're pretty big on saying "thank you" at our house.  

We do our best to remind our kids to say it at every appropriate opportunity. 

Yet, sometimes, thank you is just not enough.  

And sometimes, there are so many "thank yous" to be said, that some get missed.

This post is my feeble attempt to rectify these oversights.

The past few weeks have passed in a blur.  Preparations for Colombia have consumed much of our extra attention. Despite this, life has continued on and we have cross country banquets to attend, conferences, and other such events. Life is full and wonderful and crazy. 

In our haste to be prepared for our upcoming travels, our attention has been here and there. Preparing lists and info for those watching our kids. Stocking up the pantry. Getting a head start on Christmas shopping. Re-organizing the boys' room. Working ahead on work projects.

My brain has been a mess. I have had to ask and re-ask stupid questions. I have failed to keep on the same page with Mark and my mom and others. Things that seem quite plain to me are (in reality) a mystery to those who can't read my mind.  

In short, I'm sure I'm rather frustrating to be around.

Yet, this is certainly not an excuse to allow my thanks and gratitude to slide by the wayside.  

So today, as impersonal and public as a blog post is, I am taking a moment to breathe.  To say Thank You to the very many who have supported us, prayed for us, believed in us.  Your kind words, prayers, financial and other support have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.  People have been coming out of the wood work to help with our children while we are gone. Friends, neighbors and family have surrounded us in love.  

We are incredibly blessed.  There are not enough "thank yous" in the world to cover it. But this is my small attempt to try. Thank you, thank you, thank you. All.  

The Hardest Part

It's been a whirlwind. An utter whirlwind.

Days are full of checking items off lists, then adding even more!  Trying to get ahead at work, pull things together at home, booking tickets, making other travel arrangements. Ten days - we're leaving in 10 days. SQUEAL!

It should be a time of joy and excitement. And it is. But I admit - it has been so stressful. Too many tears.  I'm flat out scared.

Scared of pulling everything together at work.

Scared of arranging things at home.

Scared of the final legal steps in Colombia (what if I forget something critical?!?!?)

And, most of all...

So very scared to leave my children for weeks.   : (

They are SO SO excited for JS to come home. They understand why we need to go. They are excited for grandma to come. 

But I am going to miss them so much!

I was thinking back to our previous adoption trips.  In 2008, we traveled to Ethiopia for 2 weeks. That was a long trip and stressful (but amazing).  But we took Grace with us. Ally was so little - just 18 months - so she stayed with family. It was so hard to leave her, but I knew she was well taken care of. And she didn't have school or other obligations, so (relatively speaking) it wasn't a bit deal (in terms of scheduling, etc).

In 2009, I was in Ethiopia a grand total of 4 days with my mom. We were gone about 6-7 with travel, but it was a whirlwind by comparison.  It was summer. Mark wasn't able to come because he had just started a new job, so he was home with the kids. I missed them, but it went by so fast that it wasn't too bad.

Fast forward - 2012.

Mark will likely be gone nearly 2 1/2 weeks (given travel, etc). I will be gone nearly a month.  We now have 5 school-age kids to leave at home. Some of medical stuff (allergy shots, etc). Some have deep rooted abandonment concerns.  And (I think) all will just miss us.

So.much.more.to.manage.

And gosh darn it - going to MISS THEM. What am I going to do without those little faces and arms and hugs and kisses?  When I can't peek in at night to watch them sleeping? Or help them with their homework or read the Berenstein Bears Don't Pollute for the 17th time?

Hmmmm.... maybe I won't miss that last one so much...

Cut and Paste Distasters (Overwhelmed Pt 3)

Part 1 here
Part 2 here

Originally, I wrote this "Overwhelmed" post as one big mess of a post. Then decided it was too big of a mess and broke it up. I did a simple cut and paste.  Except that at some point I "cut" part 3 and never "pasted" it back into a post draft.

I'm too irritated to re-write it. It was extraordinarily detailed about the stupidest thing (my issues with my race outfit). Perhaps this is God gently telling me that no one in their right mind wanted to read it. ;) In short?

I'm a procrastinator.

I like costume-ish stuff.
But don't plan well.
I love these socks.  They were perfect.





 But won't be wearing them in the race. Because I'm an idiot.

Sports apparel manufacturers seem to shy away from yellow/gold for women's tops?

Beware, this shirt in "citrus" is super see-through.
Trust me, no one wants to see my middle while running.


 Pink and sparkles it is. My 12 year-old self would hate me.  See you at the starting line.

Lack of Focus and Zac Efron (Overwhelmed Pt 1)

Overwhelmed

Word of the day. Week. Maybe even month!

I've had all this random stuff going on, all these things I want to blog about - or even to just stop and *think* about - and yet there just seems to be too much!

There's this little thing. This marathon. In 5 days.  And I'm kind of freaking out.

And there's some not-so-little things.  Adoption timeline ticking. Judicial unrest in Colombia. At-home crazies.  Things that are much, much bigger than a stupid race.

So, of course, I spend half the night last night worried about my race outfit. Priorities.

Not-that-I-use-petty-things-to-distract-me-from-stressful-situations.  Not me. 

ha.

Maybe I should just take a deep breath and try a little "Three Things Thursday" ... on Tuesday.  'Cuz, ya know, I'm overwhelmed and can't wait until Thursday.  ;)  So, here's three really long ramble-y things!

{Edited to add that I rambled SO much, I had to make it separate posts!}

(1) My grand plan - backfired.  Originally, I signed up for this marathon in part to distract me from this last tough part of the adoption waiting game.  I have always really sucked at maintaining dignity patience and thought that having this other goal to focus on would be helpful.  And, I admit, I hoped in the back of my mind that we would be in Colombia and I wouldn't even get to run it. I mean, isn't that how you tempt the universe? Sign up and pay for something so mountains are moved and you can't do it after all?  ;)  

Well, it mostly worked!  I have been pretty running focused for months (obviously this is well known if you actually do READ this blog anymore...).  I've been able to distract myself somewhat from diligently religiously manically tracking the dates of all our various adoption milestones and focused more on a running countdown to race day.

Until we finally got our referral. And a lot of stuff started happening quickly. Then I had to shift gears and put the race/running on the back burner. Which is great.  

Except it's made me kind of a mental mess.  I'm not in Colombia as I"d hoped. I'm running on Sunday. And I've got to get my head in the game (cue Zac Efron...).

Grow Into the Person Who Can - Part 2.

In August, I wrote a post about my transformation over the last couple of years, from a person who dreamed of running a marathon to a person who made a plan to DO it.

 

Since then, I have been thinking about that mantra, the words "Grow Into the Person Who Can" floating through my head now and again. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it applied to other areas of my life.  

With our travel to Colombia (hopefully) fast approaching and the impending addition of child #6, I have been thinking about this more and more. 

When people hear we have 5 kids, we get a lot of shocked looks. When people find out three are adopted, we get (for the most part) tons of praise (and occasionally awkward comments...). Add on another adoption and some would sign us up for sainthood.    "That's amazing, I could never do that." "I've thought about adopting but don't have the personality for it."  "You guys are incredible, your kids are so lucky."  

(I'm not intending to toot my own horn, people really say this stuff. It's awkward.)

 Now, I'll be the first to say that adoption is NOT for everyone. Nor does it somehow make you a better person or something.  *end disclaimer*

But if you are NOT adopting because you "couldn't handle that" or because you "don't have the temperament" or whatever...Or because you think we are somehow different people... Stop yourself and ask what the real issue is.

Most people are not born with the temperament to be excellent parents. Excellent parents perfectly balance selflessness with self-growth, organization with balance, love with discipline.  In short, they aren't real people. ;)

I am not an excellent parent, adoptive or otherwise.  Heck, I'm not even a "kid person." (for serious - volunteering in a classroom is like the 7th circle of hell)

But I try. And I grow. 

I was 19 years old when my first child was born. I was barely more than a child myself. In many ways, I didn't know WHAT to do with her!  There was a long stretch where we thought Grace might be an only child. We just didn't feel capable of parenting more. Couldn't even imagine parenting more.

Time passed. We grew. We grew UP and we grew as parents.  We knew we were ready for another child.  And Ally came along.  Well, you can't really ever be ready for Ally.  ;) But we managed. There were some tough months - colic is no joke. But we continued to grow. We added in the difficulty of managing a work-life balance.  And we grew.  It was sometimes two steps forward, one back.  But we grew. 

And we knew in our hearts that adoption was our next step. We were naive and foolish in our expectations, but trusting, and we followed God's lead. And he led us right to Abi. And then to Hana. And we encountered an entirely new ballgame, preparing for the adoption of not one, but two somewhat "older" children. Despite our mistakes, we grew as a family, now pieced together by love and effort, not just biology.

And shortly thereafter, He opened the door for Selam to join our family. We certainly didn't see that coming!  We were FAR from the ideal parents for her.  We struggled, learning how to parent a teenager, barely out of our 20s ourselves. 

We messed up. Again. And again. 

And we grew. 

The truth is, we aren't all that special. We will never win parent of the year. But, we are pretty good parents.  And we are infinitely better parents than we were 11 years ago. 

If you would have told me, 10+ years ago, that we would eventually have 6 kids from 3 continents, I would have laughed. I had other plans. Fortunately for me, God laughed at my plans.

I wasn't born the "future mom of 6 kids, 4 of which are adopted." 

But I grew into a person who could be.

No Recap... Just thoughts re Taper, Training and Time

I have documented my marathon training all the way through, but another day-by-day recap just seemed so tedious this week. It was nothing too exciting. I'm tapering, so mileage is down. I hit most of my runs, got in some speedwork, but skipped Friday completely. Just felt so tired and off. Couldn't get my long run in Saturday and barely squeezed it in Sunday morning. Had to cut a mile off to make it to church on time, but overall was satisfied with the week.

Despite being reasonably satisfied, I have been really "off" with my training. I know everyone handles "taper" a bit differently. Most people I have talked to are very fidgety and have a hard time keeping their mileage down. I seem to be the opposite. Last week I didn't want to run. At all. It just didn't sound appealing. I didn't run one single morning. I did get 3 lunch runs in and those felt good during/after, but gearing up for them was so much more of a challenge than I'm used to. I dreaded my long run this weekend, even though it was only 12 miles. 

I don't know if it is just being sick of training of if it's all the extra stress of adoption stuff (not to mention parenting 5 other kids...) but I don't like it. :( I miss how I felt the first few weeks of training - so excited to knock out the planned workout and put a big check mark on my list. After I broke my toe, things went downhill fast for me, at least mentally. My peak two weeks of training were almost entirely shot. I never hit 40 miles/week ever (and probably should have hit 50 at least once...) I went from training for a 10:30 avg pace to HOPING for 11 min/mile.   And, frankly, just hoping to finish in one reasonable piece. Kind of a bummer.

On the upside.  I never skipped a long run. I did shorten a few minimally, but never a major one (i.e. 17+ miles).  Instead of only one 20 miler per my plan, I did a 20 and a 22. My 22 was one of my best long runs. I have done my best to do speed/tempo runs as planned and have incorporated hills into many a regular run and even long runs. 

In less than 2 weeks, I tackle 26 miles either way.  If it have to, I'll jog, walk or crawl across the finish line. I'm earning that stupid medal.  :)

Yesterday I skipped my run.  Shocking.  But today I was determined to get up and get the tempo on my schedule done. And you know what? It was glorious. It was exactly how every run should be. I hit paces that were fast (for me) so much easier than much slower paces last week. I felt fast and challenged, but it was a lot easier than I expected. It was exactly the mental boost I needed.  

And I am remembering why I love to run. 

Oct 21 can't come fast enough :)

Weekend Happenings

Life has been a real whirlwind since school started about a month ago, but last week really takes the cake. I love that my kids are active and enjoying lots of different stuff. I love that we have found a new church home that has many (!) wonderful opportunities for all of us to worship and grow in different ways. I love that we have family that actually wants to see us! 

I do not love when all these things happen at once.  :( 

It was a busy fun week full of wonderful stuff. But it was SO full that it took away from the overall enjoyment. We are still working on finding balance. Work in progress I suppose. 

The weekend really capped everything off with homecoming football, dance, soccer, family visits, a funeral, and a birthday!  Whew.

I didn't take nearly enough photos :( and the ones that I did take are held hostage on my currently-not-working phone. 

But I did get a nice picture of my beautiful S, all decked out for the homecoming dance. Fortunately, she thinks I am fairly skilled with hair and make up, so we were able to do all prep at home. I must say, she was stunning (though I don't take credit for that!).

On Sunday, Miss Al turned SIX. Oh goodness. Where has time gone. This little stinker is too much and has been talking about her birthday non-stop for weeks. Weeks I tell you. We had a really nice day, starting with church, going to Art Prize with Aunt Julie and enjoying her favorite dinner (ravioli) and CAKE. 

It was a pretty awesome weekend. :)

Do-Over Request

Vomit. Flying Coffee. Broken Phone.

Epically bad Monday morning.  I need a do-over.