Getting Back on Track

Alternate Title:  This Snow is Killing Me
Alternate Title:  I Mourn My Lack of Snow Plow Service this Season
Alternate Title:  I Wish I Could Write Good Titles

:)

So.  No marathon for me. I'm still good with that.  It's been quite a busy few weeks, and the lack of a training calendar has taken a lot of stress off. Whew.

But I've also been really lax. : / I only ran once last week, a 5 miler. :( And - even worse- I didn't really do any other exercise. And... such terrible eating habits. Cookies and brownies and cake - it seems to be everywhere!  (And, eventually, in my tummy).  Bah.  

I'm just so DONE with winter. I'm sick of dodging ice patches and trudging through slush and feeling wet and cold and gross all the time. And I've had a lot of extra stuff going on. Other obligations that have been much more time consuming than I first realized.

But I've allowed those things to morph from complications or challenges to excuses and to begin to undo what I've worked so hard on these last few years. 

NO.   Today I said no. No more garbage! No more excuses!

I actually GOT UP this morning when planned. I knew I wouldn't run in the dark and snow, but I was planning on squeezing in a little Jillian Michaels. She packs a punch in 20 minutes. So, anyway, I snoozed my alarm twice and got up and dressed ... 

  [Look at me! Ready to go!]

 And looked outside and saw THIS:

[In case it's not clear, it's a lot of fing snow]

So then I got mad:

And blew off Jillian to shovel. Not a bad workout, although I could have used some more cardio. 

The kids had yet ANOTHER snow day (surprise surprise) but we still had to get to our dentist appointment (when anyone will make 6 back to back or simultaneous appointments for you, you DON'T cancel). After spending oodles of  money at the dentist and setting up a boatload of appointments (that's another post...) I was needing the calming affect of a run. 

I decided to sneak in 3 miles with Perry quick before heading off to work. It was snowy and a bit slippery but someone had plowed at least part of the neighborhood. So off we went. It just felt GOOD to move. Finished with a 10:42 average pace, which is practically a tempo run in these conditions!  Feeling pretty good about it. No adorable wet post-run photos though - had to scoot to work.

I might not be training for anything, but it was sure nice to be reminded why - and how much - I love to run. 

Have you ever found that when needed a great run most, that it came through for you? What do you do if you go too long without a good run to remind you of all the benefits?

Lent... and letting go.

Today is Ash Wednesday.  I grew up in a Catholic family and observed the Lenten season for many years. It has been awhile since I've considered myself a Catholic, but only a few years since I have stopped acknowledging the "rules" of Lent (i.e. many years of Friday tuna fish lunches, etc!).  However, today I  completely forgot it was Ash Wednesday until about an hour ago - after eating a leftover enchilada (with ground turkey).  Sigh. Ah well, pretty sure God will forgive the turkey.

But I digress.

I have been thinking about Lent more this year than I have in awhile.  Maybe it's just where I am at right now, but I know I *need* something and it must come from God. Despite knowing that, I have been struggling to get close to Him, finding excuses to make everything else the priority. As anyone could guess, that has simply caused a vicious cycle and left me feeling... just off.

So.

What better time than Lent than to take steps toward God? To stop being so off and find a way back on again.

Usually during Lent, people give up luxuries, things like sweets or social media. Some form of penitence (I've given up pop and chocolate too many times to count!). This year, I'm working on giving up control. I spoke a little about control here, and although I do want to avoid micromanaging my family, what I am speaking about now is more about more generally giving up control to God. Trying less to get my ducks in a row (or a tight military formation!) and more about trusting. Not hoarding my fears and worries, but giving them up to the only One who can really do anything about them. 

It's about giving up the ugliness inside, letting it out; instead of trying to bury it and hide it and keep it for my own. It's about not having it all together - not pretending to have it all together - and not needing to have it all together. And appreciating the many blessings I have, whether I have it all together or not!

I'm still brainstorming what this might mean for the next 40(ish) days. I expect journaling, self reflection (perhaps some here, plenty privately).  I have a few books I want to read.  And prayer.

[Side bar:  Here's a confession - I find praying really hard. I get distracted. It's always been difficult for me to imagine this direct line with God in a way that makes prayer a natural conversation. One way I want to tackle this is to commit to at least one unplugged run a week - no music, no audio book. Just my thoughts or lack thereof. I am fairly confident that I will start talking to myself, which seems a good lead in to prayer. :) End side bar]

Since February is already half over and I never actually sat down and gave myself some goals, I'm not going to. I'm going to work on this. I'm going to work on letting go...

January Rewind

WHOA.  How, HOW can it possibly be February already. Seriously, I have a tough time wrapping my brain around it. Yet, all in all, January kind of ... well, it sucked. So, in many ways, glad to just put it behind us and move forward into February.

Still, I wanted to take a look back at my goals to hold myself accountable and re-evaluate to set some goals for the coming month.

First, in January I pledged to tackle the overall goal of starting my day right, which I defined more or less as "focus on simply getting up when I need to get up (as determined the night before)."

So, how did I do?  Pretty terrible. I kind of gave up on this halfway through.  I started fairly strong and was journaling regularly and getting in (some) of my workouts first thing. But a couple of times I woke up and just had nothing - no desire to meditate or journal, no desire to run, nothing. Once, I even went back to bed (sad, I know). I still think that this has value and I'm continuing to work at it. Part of the problem is that I am often over-zealous at night and then I wake up and remember how COLD and DARK it really is at 5 a.m. Bah.  I've also been on antibiotics and a ton of cold meds for awhile and they seem to be giving me really weird/bad dreams. I didn't' sleep well this month at all. 

Other goals?

Running & Fitness - My January goal is to get back to running 3-4 days consistently each week. 

RESULT - More or less accomplished. I decided to jump into marathon training and my plan calls for 4 days/ week running. Except for my sick week I have stuck to my plan.  

Financial - Get back to a written budget. 

RESULT - Done, but in the nick of time. :) Procrastinated right up until the end of the month, but do have a fairly comprehensive budget drafted for February and M and I are both committed to getting back on track. Bonus - I started our taxes. 

Career - Undertake some form of networking activity. 

RESULT - Done, though not what I'd hoped for. I met with a friend of mine from law school twice, which ended up being not only fun, but a step forward in this department. However, I had to cancel another meeting I had set up and missed two networking events I had planned to attend because I was dead to the world for a week. 

Relationships - My goal for January is to have as many positive and purposeful one-on-one interactions as possible with Jhon. 

RESULT, Could have been better.   I would give myself a "check mark" here, but I can't really say "done." It's going to take continual, planned effort on my part to really reach him one-on-one, but we are doing it. Last night, for example, I read a library book to him that he had picked out. It was a dinosaur almanac in Spanish. Do you know how hard it is to read about the Jurassic era in espanol! But it was a lot of fun. He was pretty interested and was even able to explain to me certain words that I could read but i didn't know. I don't think I will make this a continual "goal" as far as the blog goes, but I will continue to look for these opportunities to reach him one-on-one.

Other January News:

Miles Ran:  70.  Not too shabby considering a missed an entire week (in which I had planned to run 24 miles). Pretty pleased overall since it's a big jump from Nov and Dec, but I'm still feeling good and injury-free.

Books Read/Listened to:  Quitter by Jon Acuff (review here); Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed.  Wild is all the rage right now in blog-land and was an Oprah bookclub book (which I didn't know before I listened to it - I'm not a big Oprah fan).  My take? I was disappointed. The underlying story of pain and redemption certainly has great value, but it didn't really reach me. I don't consider myself a prude, but the frank discussions of drug use, infidelity, sex and so on struck me more as for shock value and just didn't strike an emotional cord with me.  I was most interested in the parts about the trail and the hike itself, which are more of a set-up for the rest of her story than the subject of the book itself.  However, I did listen to the entire book and was not really compelled to stop, so I suppose there is that. I don't think I will read it again. 

TV/Movie Obsession - Hands down, Downton Abbey. In January, Mark and I watched all of seasons 1 and 2 and caught up on 3.  Love it. I'm a sucker for a good period piece and I'm really enjoying this one. 

Family Update - Kids are keeping us busy. Hana decided to try basketball, so we've had Saturday games added to our schedule. S is conditioning for Spring soccer and attending youth group. It seems like we've had a million doctor appointments,which will continue into February. Something is always coming up with someone. Poor Mark ends up doing a ton of shuttling around after school. Trying to get a handle on this before we lose our minds. :) Mostly, it's fun and I'm glad the kids have found different activities to enjoy. And it makes me enjoy the lazy days when we are home together with no plans all the more!

Other things I'm loving?  Boots. Really enjoying the boot craze. However, I don't enjoy skinny jeans, which are kind of a must with the boots. :( These muscle-y calves were not made for skinny jeans!

Getting Off on the Right Foot: January Goals

As I tackle 2013 deliberately, I wanted to identify my January goals before the month got away from me.  I am focusing on six categories:  Relationships, Spiritual, Health & Nutrition, Running & Fitness, Career, and Financial. Each month I will identify several quantifiable goals in some (or all) of the categories. 

For January, I already gave myself a general challenge to start my day right by getting up when I plan to get up and spending at least 5 minutes in prayers/meditation/gratitude/free writing. I haven't exactly started the year off with a bang here, but will be working on making this a habit! As I noted previously, I think this goal actually fulfills several categories. 

As for my other categories, I have a few other things I want to check off my list for January:

Running & Fitness - I have about 17 things I want to list as goals here, but I know that is neither practical, nor safe. My January goal is to get back to running 3-4 days consistently each week. If I am going to run the Riverbank Run 25 in May or any half marathon this spring, I have got to get my base up soon and get into a training plan. Getting in these regular runs is key. 

Financial - Get back to a written budget. Spending the last two months either traveling or recovering  (and then the holidays!) has really taken its toll. We've gotten off track with both (a) writing out a budget and (b) following it. I don't expect getting back on board to be easy, but for January my goal is to actually put a budget to paper (or at least on Excel) with Mark. 

Career - Undertake some form of networking activity. Yep, I realize that's pretty open ended and most professionals are probably shaking their heads that I need to even make that a goal!  But the truth is, my family/personal life has been so consuming for the last few years that I have let nearly all networking and career development fall by the wayside. I need to slowly break back in... I haven't decided if I will attend an event or class (there are a few good ones coming up) or even just grab coffee with an old classmate. But I must do something!

Relationships - My goal for January is to have as many positive and purposeful one-on-one interactions as possible with Jhon. Jhon has slid into our family so seamlessly and easily that I fear he is not getting enough attention. This is still a very critical time in our relationship development and I want to make sure I'm taking full advantage of those little moments, like an extra cuddle before bed, or pulling him into my lap during a movie, or sneaking an extra kiss before leaving in the morning. He is affectionate and sweet but very non-demanding in many ways and I know we must be vigilant about improving attachment. 

I think that provides quite a solid start! I'm doing my best to be realistic, yet ambitious. I plan to challenge myself this year, push myself in various ways.  I have always found the best "me" comes out when pushed. When left to just see what happens, I tend to just slide by. I want more than that. We simply have too little time in this life to waste.

2012 in Review... and Welcome 2013!!

2012 was a pretty major year for me and our family. We had our ups and downs, but are so, so thankful. I wanted to take a few minutes to review a few of those high (and low) points as I prepare for the new year. There are a lot of these random surveys going around the blogosphere, but I'm just going to make my own categories. :) Looking over both (a) the categories I chose, and (b) my answers, makes me realize the following will also likely provide the basis for my goal setting for 2013 :) That's handy.

Biggest Accomplishment or Event (Running/Fitness)

The obvious answer is the Detroit Marathon.  It was my first (though I expect not my last) marathon and something that I NEVER thought I could do (or even want to) until this year. To accomplish that - well, it almost turns your whole world on its head doesn't it?  I mean, what ELSE can I do!??! 

That being said, a close follow up would be the Riverbank Run 25k.  At that point, that was my longest race (and the longest I ever expected to run).  We had some personal challenges right before it and I was in a tough place mentally. That race was hard for me, harder than I expected, but crossing that finish line was just such a relief. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Additionally, although I did not quite meet my time goal, I did meet my goal of running the whole way and staying on pace - pretty big accomplishments. 

Biggest Accomplishment or Event (Non-Running/Fitness)

I'm not entirely sure it qualifies as an "accomplishment," but it was certainly a wonderful life changing event to add Jhon to our family this year. Our entire trip to Colombia and these first few weeks home have been surreal.  And although things are certainly not perfect, I have never felt more sure of our decisions and choices in how we have built our family.

Additionally, I feel like I learned a lot more about all our children who have joined us from hard places. Learned a little more about their particular hard places and about trauma generally. Which all led me to realizing how much I still do not know. It's going to be a lifetime of learning really, but we continue to work on this so we can be the best parents possible to these wonderful kids. No easy task though.

Oooooh wait, I have ANOTHER ONE (way too hard to pick!).  This summer, Mark and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. They haven't all been wonderful or easy, but they have all been extraordinarily important and part of who I am as a person, who we are. I am so, so blessed to have this man by my side. :)

Biggest Injury

Fortunately, I've been really lucky in this department. But I did suffer a stupid broken toe during marathon training that derailed me a tad. Frankly, it is still a bit stiff and sore if I mess with it. Don't disregard those toes!

Biggest Regret (Running/Fitness)

Hands down, lack of cross training/strength training. Running has been my go-to exercise since the beginning of 2011. It's efficient and doesn't require much thought. But the truth is that it isn't very complete by itself. I really felt my lack of core strength during those late miles of the marathon and I simply must make this a bigger priority if I want to get faster in 2013.Plus, I would like to jiggle less. Thank you.

Biggest Regret (Non-Running/Fitness)

This year we made the very difficult decision to leave our church. I don't regret the actual choice (hard as it was)- I think it was the right choice. However, I do regret that I still feel unsettled. We have been attending another church, but I haven't really committed myself yet and I'm not quite sure why. A lot has had to do with timing - with Colombia and adding Jhon to our family, the last few months have been chaotic to say the least. But if I'm honest, I started letting my relationship with God slip long before that.  In a year where I needed Him more than ever, I have allowed other things to take priority. I must rectify this in 2013.

Miles Ran -  927!

I should be over the moon about this number - that really is a lot! But I admit to being a tad disappointed that it fell far short of 1000 (which is dumb since I never truly made 1000 a goal). 1000 should have been easy to hit but with only 16 miles in Nov and 31 in December (compared to 142 in August...) it just wasn't in the cards. So we try for 4 digits in 2013!

Family Update!
The years just seem to pass faster and faster! 2012 saw the kids turn 15, 11, 9, 8, 6 and 5. The 6 are spread over 3 schools (9th, 6th, 4th, 3rd, 1st and K grades). Whew. Makes me tired to even think it! :)  Feeling so very, very blessed.

 

Bring it on 2013!

Happy New Year!

Running in Sand

[post snow storm run]

Despite big plans, December has proved to be almost as tough for me running-wise as November! It just seems like I went from extreme busy-ness and sick kids to ME being the sick one. That stomach bug took days and days to get over and then I moved right into this chest cold that has taken a big toll. 

On Wednesday I was feeling kind of "ick" and didn't run in the morning. Then I had a busy day at work (with 2 kiddos... yikes) and by the time dinner was over, I was just beat. I was all set to get my jammies on. But I couldn't resist Hana and Abi's sweet request to join them for some Just Dance on the Wii. After a few songs, I was laughing so hard. They crack me up. And I realized I felt a bit better.  

That was the night of our snow storm. Snow was falling, fast but not too furious. And I just wanted to get out. So I took Perry and we went out for 2 slow miles. Running in the fresh stuff was like running in sand!  But it was beautiful, magical. 

Just a good reminder that sometimes you have to just go, even when you don't really feel like it. 

Change... and a Challenge

[morning journaling]

As Christmas festivities wind down and the new year looms, the word "change" seems to come to the forefront of my consciousness. I'm not one to set myself "resolutions" every year (although I do occasionally).  Even if I don't lay out specific goals for myself, the idea of starting fresh, of becoming better, takes up residence in my mind.

But I've been thinking about other changes as well.

With adding to our family, you would think "change" is the word of the month around here. And yet, it's not. Such a big change in theory has caused barely a blip in our daily lives. Jhon has settled in with us with such ease, it's like he's always been here. Like there was always this place waiting for him and now it's filled. I was all geared up for this major life change. It's almost been anti-climatic (albeit in a good way!). 

And there are other changes. Things that change nothing, but change everything. A new piece of knowledge and suddenly your world has completely shifted - everything is different! - but the rest of the world continues on with their daily lives, completely unaffected. How to process this?

[That probably all seems completely random, but it makes sense to me and it's my blog.]

This morning after Mark left for work, I pulled out a new journal and started writing my random, whirlwind thoughts. I haven't done this in well over a year. It was messy, confusing and therapeutic. It was necessary. Change comes, whether we want it or not. The changes we need to make seem to come hard. The changes we want to avoid are so often thrust upon us. 

I need to take some time to reflect each day and work through these changes and challenges.  I need to take time to focus myself on my goals and my health (physical, mental, spiritual).  I simply need to stop and center myself each day before the hustle and bustle of life takes over.

So, I'm taking on Amanda's 5 minute challenge.  

photo credit: Run to the Finish

Amanda has challenged her readers to:

Challenge: 5 minutes upon waking spent saying affirmations, creating a gratitude list, meditating, or free writing. 

That simple. The idea being it is completely attainable - only 5 minutes. And it's a small thing to change, yet creates a wonderful habit. 

I love it. I need it. 

So I started today. I cheated and spent much more than 5 minutes. Mostly because I had more than 5 minutes (unusual) and because I needed more today. I already feel better.

I plan to expand on her challenge slightly. For January, I am going to focus on simply getting up when I need to get up (as determined the night before). That means I set a plan and actually follow through. Lately, I have laid out running clothes at night, only to turn off my alarm come the morning. Then I'm running around, late and frustrated, when I could have gotten in a workout, some personal reflection, and a cup of coffee. 

January will be focused on setting myself up for success in the most basic and important way possible - starting the day right. 

[Perry got tired of waiting for me to finish writing this morning...]

Easy Come, Easy Go... Well, easy go at least.

Post 6 miles first full weekend home from Colombia.

 Tired, but pleased.

It's been a wonderful, weird year. Coming off some serious training which culminated in the Detroit Marathon, I went from 30-40 mile weeks to zilch.  It was a necessary evil to prepare for Colombia and then running in Colombia just never quite worked out. Then I came home and jumped right into two weeks of various sickness and craziness. I could go on with excuses, but it doesn't matter. The long and short is that I've barely run for 2 months and it sucks. 

I've been trying to just ignore pace, etc, and GET OUT THERE but this is harder than I expected. It feels so hard. Three "easy" miles aren't easy. A six mile run feels oh-so-long. Frankly, it's kind of depressing. It took SO LONG to build up that endurance and it slips away so very quickly. 

Although I feel like I'm starting over, it is much different from "starting." When I started running, the thought of running a mile straight was overwhelming. I knew I *could* work up to three miles, but it seemed so impossible for so long. Beyond three miles? Crazy talk.  However, now I know it is possible. Not easy perhaps, but possible. 

So, I just have to do it again. Deep breath and GO.

Staying Fit When Away From Home... Don't follow my example. :(

[The lengthy first part is all of my excuses. If you want to see what I actually DID do, just skip to the end. ;) ]

So, just weeks before we headed off on this great adventure, I completed my first marathon. Yeah, had to drop that in there - still pretty geeked about it.  ;) 

Literally, days after the race, we got the go ahead to travel and life started moving at lightening speed. Regular exercise of any kind flew out the window. There was NO time. I worked through lunches and a few times after hours. We had to take a day to go to Chicago and sort out stuff with the kids. It was a B.U.S.Y. time. 

I brought some work out clothes with me to Colombia and had great intentions. I knew that the likelihood of running regularly was slim, but hoped to go a few times. Further, I thought for sure that I could do some basic core/strength work at least 4-5 times a week to keep up fitness.

Oh, how wrong I was. : / 

Well, it started out simply enough. We got to Mocoa and took custody of Jhon right away. That first week was tough. He tested us out a lot, my Spanish was still very rusty, and we just had to figure out how to function as a mini-family.

Things started to settle down a bit for us and I seriously thought about sneaking in a run.  But it was SO HOT. And the humidity was just utterly unbelievable  And there just didn't seem to be a great place to do it. I could have just run down the road I suppose, but I really didn't feel comfortable. I never felt unsafe in Mocoa, but this just didn't seem like a smart choice.  Further, there is no such thing as a road shoulder around there.  ;) And people drive like maniacs. 

Then came Bogota, Can't beat the weather but the altitude? Yikes. Further, I don't feel like I can leave Jhon at all. Ever. The other families have graciously offered to watch him for short periods (like to walk a few blocks to the grocery), but he has not liked the idea of me leaving him. Which is excellent from an attachment perspective. But tricky from a "I'm leaving you to run" perspective.

So, it's been close to a full month with no exercise. Well, not quite. I do walk much more frequently here than I do at home, so there's that.

Also, I decided to jump into a couple of "December challenges".  I happened to come across the "Holiday Squat a Thon" via mom vs marathon, which I think is hosted by fitspobook.It's pretty straightforward and, well, you can squat pretty much everywhere! Today I successfully completed day 5. And you know what? It was just the slight kick in the pants I needed to want to get back into the fitness swing of things.

 I also picked up on "plank a day" via Run with Jess.  And I decided to add my own personal challenge of 10 push ups each day.  I was doing that pretty consistently through much of my marathon training and I miss my shoulders  :) So, today I did 40 squats, a 60 second plank, and 15 push ups (no girlies here man - the real deal).  AND I managed to not eat rice for the 2nd day in a row.

If you have ever been to Colombia, you would understand how big a feat this is.  Since I ate the provided french fries instead, I'm not sure this was a great trade off, but whatever.  ;)

Anyway, I'm still a bit disappointed that I "let myself go" so much this past month. And yet, I'm not. This month was NOT about fitness or being healthy (although there is no need to abandon completely)  This month was about my son. It was about experiencing his country - the food, the culture (which does mean rice every day, usually paired with another starch ), amazing juice and fruit, and, most importantly, HUGE bonding time.  So, I'll count the month a major success and I look forward to resuming running and a bit healthier lifestyle upon my return.

I'm just glad my pants still fit.  ;) 

Three Things Thursday - Fundraising, Fueling and Five

(1) We don't have any updates on JS's adoption, but we know things are moving along (at their own pace...) in Colombia. Either way, we hope that we will be traveling to Colombia by January or February next year. So. Still have quite a few fees due between now and then. Time to suck up the pride and ask for help!  Fortunately for us, we have some really generous people in our lives. Two of those people - my aunt and uncle - devised a pretty awesome fundraiser!  We are selling dog/luggage/military tags that can be engraved.  The tags cost $8, with 1/2 going right to our adoption fund! I attempted to set up a facebook page with the info: www.facebook.com/brainerdfamilyfundraiser

I am already overwhelmed with the kindness everyone has shown. The support means so very much.  We may have a similar opportunity in the pipeline as well. Stay tuned!  :) 

(2)  Fueling. Ugh. My downfall lately. Other than last week's deviation from training, I have been nailing my training runs pretty well. Unfortunately, I have not been making proper fueling a priority. All this extra running makes a girl hungry And has allowed this girl the excuse to revert back to some very bad eating habits. :( The extra miles keep the weight down, but I am starting to feel a real toll in my running.  The marathon is 37 days away.  I am re-committing to smarter choices, 6 days a week, at least until the race.  It seems so stupid to put so much time and effort into training and then allow myself to sabotage it all with doughnuts, chips and beer!  ;)

(3) Also in preparation for JS coming home, I am working on getting myself mentally prepared. This involves a lot of things, not the least of which include revisiting attachment issues, etc. But I'm also starting to think of our family has having six kids, not five. For some reason, this is hard to wrap my head around. We've had 5 for three whole years now (wow).  Plus, people's eyebrows REALLY go up when you say six. :)

Grow into the Person Who Can.

[source: no idea, floating around Facebook?]

This post has been floating around in my mind for weeks, since I first saw the above quote.  Those words really resonated with me and have been a sort of theme for me throughout this marathon training.

Two years ago, I was not able to run a marathon.  I don't even mean that in just the physical sense.  I mean, I was beaten down mentally. I had no confidence that my body could handle such a feat... ever.  My body, more poor habits, my unhealthiness... it all controlled me, not the other way around. Running a mile - let alone 26! - was not in the cards for a person like me.

Going back even farther, I was always that chubby-ish kid. I was super competitive and liked many sports, but was pretty bad at them.  Cat = not an athlete!

But underneath that clumsiness, the fat, the doubts, was my stubbornness. My competitive streak. My desire to make more of myself, somehow. 

When I was in high school, I suffered terrible allergies and asthma.  The mile run at school gave my mom heartburn.  Because I insisted on DOING it.  Even though it would invariably lead to expensive breathing treatments. We were just talking about this the other day. She told me my freshman year she probably spent over $100 so I could run a mile.  And I mean one mile - not a mile daily. We're talking one or two incidents during gym class. Looking back, I'm thankful she made that investment in me and didn't give me a hard time about it, or tell me I couldn't do it. 

Wouldn't it be a great story if that mile turned into a healthy lifestyle of running through my teens and twenties?

Well, I didn't. I sat and read a lot and enjoyed many, many carbs and desserts.

But that mile gave me strength.  I had to store it up for years. Decades. But I brought it out one day, and started running down the block.  Now, I'm fast approaching a 26.2 mile race. I never thought I would run 26.2 miles in my LIFE let alone in one DAY. I was not a person who could run a marathon!  But after weeks and months of slowly changing my body and, more importantly, my mind, I have changed into the person that can achieve that dream. 

Mark shook his head at me a few weeks ago, when I told him what time I had to get up in order to get my 8 mile run in before work. "What have you done with my wife!" He noted that a year ago, I would never have considered waking up at that hour to RUN.  But I'm not the same person anymore. 

I am an athlete.

I am a runner. 

And, by Sunday afternoon on October 21st, I will be a marathoner.

Marathon Training Wk 4 Recap - Negative Splits, Cross Fit and RAIN

Mileage was a little lower this week and, admittedly, the break was appreciated.

Planned/Completed:

Monday: fun workout / nada (unless cleaning counts?)

[truth]

Tuesday: 5 miles, mid 3 RP/ done - My goal was mile warm up and cool down with the mid-3 miles at race pace of 10:30.  It didn't quite work out that way, but I ended up with some nice negative splits!  10:43, 10:20, 10:16, 10:00 and 9:50. Felt very rested and energized and hit those paces fairly easily. Nice confidence boost.

Wednesday: Rest or XT / beginner cross-fit work out.  I'm super-intrigued by cross fit work outs and, if I had unlimited financial resources, would love to join a CF gym. Well, right now there is no time or money, so I'm making do. :) Found a 2 week beginner CF workout program that I'm going to sprinkle in for now. Also found this guide that I want to look through. Maybe after the marathon I'll look into this a bit more seriously. I'm a teensy bit afraid I'll hurt myself. :) But Wednesday included 3 rounds of 10 burpees, 20 squats and 30 situps.  I struggled with form/execution on the burpees, but (sadly) I think the sit ups hurt the worst.  : /

Thursday: 7 miles (NS 3,3,1) / Done! Splits: first 3 miles 33:17 (11:04, 11:09, 11:04); second 3 miles 31:32 (10:45; 10:26: 10:21); last mile 9:07.  Last mile was fun, but a challenge.  :)

Friday: 2-3 miles / 3.2 WET miles done!

Saturday: 14 miles, 20 min strong finish / done!  This run felt really good overall. I walked while taking Gu and a few other times, but mostly the running felt good. Some slight right knee pain (I whacked it with the van door) and some twinges in the foot that bothered me all day, but then went away. All in all, great.  Average pace of 11:10, but last 2 miles were 10:18 and 9:53. Very pleased. 

[One of my favorite running paths, part of Saturday's 14 miler]

Sunday: Rest / DONE.

Total Miles: 29/29

[that's for all you out there still reading. And poor Mark. :)  ]

Damn the Numbers

Numbers. Ugh.

I spent much of my life as a bit of a math geek and have always liked numbers. Lately, they frustrate me.  Two examples:

(1) Pace - This one constantly baffles me. I have been trying to figure out what my planned "race pace" will be. During the Riverbank Run, holding steady at 11 min/mile was not easy (and I had really thought I would be able to go faster than that).   Still, I have been holding onto hope that I can handle a 10:30 min/mile marathon pace. This seems pretty bizarre given that the marathon is over 10 miles FARTHER than the Riverbank Run. Yet, based on various pace calculators and my training runs, it seems within the realm of possibility. 

[source]

Anyhoo, last Saturday had 15 miles on the schedule, with the mid-7 to be at race pace. Running at a specific, consistent pace is still a struggle for me. I have no true "feel" for it for some reason? Maybe that was part of the struggle with the Riverbank Run - holding that pace consistently? Anyway, I had a good run Saturday, but admit that I was disappointed when I finally loaded my Garmin data and looked at my splits.  My goal had been for those 7 miles to fall between 10:30 and 10:45.  And then I would finish out the last 4 miles at whatever pace felt comfortable.  Well, out of the 7 miles, I think only 2 were in that desired range.  But 3 of the 4 "cool down" miles were!!  Ugh.  Why is it so hard for me to figure this out? Hmmmm.  Frustrated. 

(2) Weight/BMI - Sigh.

I've been doing really good with this for awhile. For some time, I was frustrated that the number stopped dropping, but was overall feeling good about myself. So I stopped caring about the number so much. I can't pretend I wouldn't like to lose another 10-15 pounds, but I haven't truly taken steps to make that happen (although I keep dancing around it...). I think at this point, a focus on weight loss would hamper my marathon training.  All that to say, I'm mostly okay where I am right now.

So WHAT on earth possessed me to plug my current weight into the BMI calculator this morning!?

[source]

 I know it's just a number.  But it's so frustrating to think about all that work and to see a number that is squarely within the overweight category.  A number, in fact, that is barely shy of obese. Further, losing another 10-15 pounds would not even be enough to put me into the "healthy" or "normal" weight category.  :(

It is dumb. I get that. I know I am not obese. I also know I'm still overweight, although not grossly so. I know that I'm carrying a fair amount of muscle these days and that muscle weighs more than fat. I know that, despite the foregoing, I am fit.

So, why is it that I can know all these things and still be so hurt by a stupid number? 

Three Things Thursday - Things I've learned this week...

Week 1 of Marathon Training and I've already learned so much!

(1) Stick to the schedule if you can - I was a little wishy-washy about my training schedule at the start of the week (still am, admittedly).  As a result, I didn't run Monday (per my original plan), but ran T, W and Th. My "new" plan would have had me run M, T and Th.  Anyhoo, that would have put a rest or cross train day between yesterday's epic 7 miles and today's disastrous 6 (I mean 4.8... cuz that's when I stopped). I know I need a rest day before Saturday's long run, so tomorrow is a big fat lazy day. I'm okay with that. :)
    
Lesson (1)(b) - despite the plan, listen to your body. My revised plan called for 6 miles today. I didn't have it in the tank and cut out short of 5.  It only bothered me for a few minutes.  :) Hoping that Saturday's run is better for it.

(2) Humidity Sucks - Today was the coolest it's been (70ish?) and it was even sprinkling (joy!) but today's run felt terrible!  Then I checked - 91% humidity. What?!?!?  No wonder I couldn't breathe.  Ick.

 Lesson (2)(b) - Rain is awesome, especially when you have barely seen a drop in 2 months.  Usually, I HATE running in the rain (snow is fine) but my grass is dead and brown and I miss seeing green!  In order to tempt fate to continue to rain all day, I continued my run despite the rain AND I didn't bring my umbrella to work.  That should do it.  (update - just checked - it is currently pouring.  YAY)

 

[view of rainy downtown]

(3) Food as Fuel is Harder Than I Thought - Knowing that my mileage is going up steadily for the next 12+ weeks, I'm pushing myself to focus on eating healthier for the purpose of fueling those miles (rather than "losing weight"). Honestly, it's already been more challenging than I expected. As I've expressed before, I've let some healthy habits fall by the wayside and have well... kind of enjoyed eating more or less what I want because I run enough to maintain the weight I've already lost.  And what I have wanted has included far too many empty calories. Boo.  :(  This goal is going to take weeks of work (or at least, paying more attention...) before it feels natural I think.  But it's important for me, marathon or no. Bagels and beer will not be kind to me much further into my 30s, I'm quite sure. :)

Love me some green smoothies and this chocolate almond milk is incredible.  So there's that. 
 

Pro and a Con

Just a moment for a quick checkin. The last couple of weeks have been BUSY.  Holiday mid-week, coupled with no extra vacation time, add in a garage sale, kid time with grandma, more than a few hours in the car and a second job ...

Yep, busy. :) 

 

[Mark and I before July 3 party]

I thought I was overdue for a report on my quest to lose a half marathon.

Eh.  

Truth be told, I was hoping to have better news... In 3 weeks, I'm down a total of 1 pound (which, with my normal weight fluxations, isn't really anything to note). I'm not thrilled with the number, but I'm more disappointed in my choices.  I joined the challenge less to lose more weight and more to get back to healthier habits.  And I just haven't stepped up to make better choices yet. This falls into the "con" category...

The last 3 weeks have involved camping, birthdays, company, 4th of July, and more.  That meant way too many desserts and beer.  : / If I was only focused on the numbers, I would be happy to be still down a pound!  But I really do want to get back to healthier choices.  So. It's a new week.

As for the "pro" side of things... 

The last week has been the hottest that I can honestly remember (no, this is not the "pro"...wait for it).  Several 100+ degree days in a row. Humid. Sticky. Miserable. 

And yet?  I still managed to get over 20 miles in last week!  Monday I ran late (ugh - still too hot) and Tuesday I managed to get out of bed early enough to knock out 3 (same for Friday).  And yesterday - when the worst of the heat finally broke - I knocked out 13+ miles before church.  And they felt good! 

Big smile. :) 

Here's to making this week even better!

Quest to Lose a Half Marathon

It's certainly no secret that in February 2011, I took the first steps to make my health a bigger priority.  Approximately a year later, I celebrated here over losing 50 lbs.  I was pleased to hit such a milestone, but I had never set a particular weight goal. I have been trying to go with the feel of my body and just go with what feels fit and healthy, not continuously seek "skinny." My continued running has allowed me to more or less maintain my weight and still enjoy plenty of treats (chocolate and beer being favorites!)  However, I have noticed that I have gained and lost the same 5 lbs over and over and seem to be on a slight "gain" streak.  More bothersome is that the amount of "treats" has steadily increased, irregardless of the miles I run.  In short, I've slowly but surely chipped away at those healthier habits I took so long to establish. : /

Then - at quite the opportune time - in pops Jess with her "Marathon Weight Loss Challenge!" I was hesitant to sign up at first. Not that I wouldn't mind losing another 26.2 lbs by fall (!) but I also knew 2 scenarios were likely: (1) I would dive into the challenge full-on, drop 26 lbs and then gain them all back by Christmas (which is what has happened to me in the past in similar situations...), or (2) I would get all fired up and then NOT change a thing and possibly gain weight - feeling like an utter failure.  Neither option seemed desirable.

But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to renew my focus to healthier habits - particularly since the opportunity for poor eating seems even more prevalent during the summer! I decided a more conservative goal would work with my health patterns - rather than lose a full "marathon", I'm opting for the half - to lose 13.1 pounds by September 17! If I'm truly honest, I'm doing my best not to be terribly fussed about the actual weight dropped.  Getting back into healthier, cleaner eating is my ultimate goal. But I also know what motivates me - and that number on the scale often does.  So, I'm going to let that guide me again, at least for awhile. And I'll have the support of over 1000 other participants in the challenge and the mini goals which Jess sets (e.g. this week to drink more water). I'm also making an effort to track what I'm eating and keep an eye on the amounts (and variety) of fruits and veggies I'm eating daily and back to limiting processed foods.

I debated about posting my goals here - I wasn't sure I wanted public accountability. :) Also, I don't want people getting all freaked out that I'm obsessed with my weight or anything. That's really not the case. I'm committed to life-long healthy habits and I know that there will be seasons in my life I will battle to keep good habits. This is one of them. If a weight-loss challenge helps get me refocused on fruits and veggies and to back away from the bread and beer, well, I'm going to give it a try!

I signed up for this challenge about a week and a half ago. Today was the first weigh-in and I was down a pound.  I have a feeling that the marshmallows from the weekend haven't fully registered, but I'll take it to start. :)

Not Going to Watch from the Sidelines

As I was typing up this post, recapping the weekend, it hit me how much things have changed in the last year and a half...

Just this last weekend alone, I ran, took a strength class, played basketball with the kids, and kayaked.  It was so fun. Aside from being sore from that Body Pump class (seriously painful!) I wasn't terribly exhausted or hurting from any of it.

Two years ago, this wouldn't have been possible. Two years ago I would have simply sat on the sidelines, watching my kids have fun together,without me. Two years ago, date night would not have involved an evening on the lake.  Two years ago, the weekend would have been spent WATCHING my life, not living it.

Two years ago, I was out-of-shape and fat.  

Fat. FAT.

That's a buzz word. It's a word that makes people cringe and look away, embarrassed. It's a word that can inflame and embarrass.  It's a word our society has come to avoid at all costs. 

But I think there is danger is simply avoiding the word. FAT. I did for a long time, and it allowed me to just avoid my problems.

Fat isn't a number on a scale. It isn't a size of clothing. It isn't even a comparison to a model or your best friend.

For me, FAT was simply not living my best life. 

I wasn't happy. I wasn't comfortable.  I wasn't me.

In February 2011, I made a choice. And I started eating less crap. It was as simple as that. I did not make perfect choices every day. In fact, I wasn't perfect MOST days. But it was a start.  A few weeks later, I took  my first step out the door (literally) and went for my first run. "Run" might be an over-statement. I went for my first huffing-and-puffing around the block mess.  I could barely make it a minute. I only ran in the dark when I was not likely to be seen. But I ran.  And again the next day. And the next week.

And, I got my life back.  

The weight didn't fall off.  But it started slowly dropping.  And I - finally - felt some sense of control. Like waking up from a bad dream. It's still a struggle.  In the last 15 or so months, I have lost about 55 lbs.  In theory, I'd like to lose another 10-15, although I'm not really actively trying to do so.  I still battle many old demons, including emotional and mindless eating. I suspect I will battle with these bad habits my entire life to some degree. But giving in is no longer an option.

I refuse to go back. I refuse to sit on the sideline.  It's my life and I'm here to play.

Not too shabby...

Just as a quick follow up to yesterday...

In February I dropped 3.5 lbs (so close to my goal of 4!) and I can still do 20 "real" push ups but NOT 30.  Not too bad considering I have done ZERO strength training in 3 weeks or so. :) All in all, pleased that my fitness level has stayed fairly constant.  I'll take it.

Also, I received several sweet messages from family and friends that seemed worried I was too hard on myself.  I want to assure you I'm not losing sleep over anything. I have just found that I am a "list" person and I do much better if I have taken the time to define specific goals (whatever they may be or relate to). Otherwise, I have a tendency to "coast" and not make much progress on even the simplest tasks.  This is especially true when something else starts to take my attention. I have worked too hard over the past year to lose my progress because I'm distracted by a shiny object. ;) My goals help me to stay the course without letting health/fitness issues take over my life.  A win-win!

February Goals... Bah.

Unlike January, my February goals really went down the tubes.  I was aware of this while it was happening, yet grew very apathetic (hence why they went down the tubes!).  I'll do a brief run-down and hope that it serves to be motivating rather than depressing...

• Lose 4 lbs.
• Ack.  Well, in all fairness, I DID meet this goal. About 15 days into the month! Unfortunately, lazy habits of caused some to come back. Since it's a leap year (!) I'm going to do a final weigh in tomorrow and see. Hoping to see a 3 lb total loss. Would be happy with that. 

• STOP DRINKING POP 
• Bah.  Another one that I did great on for about 2 weeks. Then, it just didn't seem important. I didn't "cave" because I wanted one so badly. I just didn't care. I haven't been drinking them daily again, but probably more than I would care to. I think I'm just going to make a point to keep this habit limited. Not sure I'm ready to just give it up. I actually really enjoy pop, even though I realize it's not good for me. 

• Re-evaluate 25k Riverbank Run Training and then STICK.TO.THE.PLAN. (likely to include 4 long runs, running 4 days/week and at least 1 day with cross training) 
• I was a rockstar for 2 weeks. Last half of the month? Boo. We've been busy (more on that later) so I haven't beaten myself up about it too much. Mostly I just want to remember how GOOD I feel when I am working out regularly, so working on getting back to this. 

• Be able to do 30 consecutive push-ups by month-end (achievable by regular strength training)
• I'll give this a go tonight and we'll see. I think I'd be happy with 20.

•  Complete at least 3 books (at least one non-fiction)
• It was a month of starts and stops.  I read most of Bart Yasso's My Life on the Run, but had to get it back to the library. I have read parts of various other books, but nothing in full.  
• Well, I DID finish the 5th Game of Thrones book (via audio book) AND watched the first season on HBO. So good.  He better not take another 6+ years to write the sixth book!  

•  Take the stairs at work (full 11 flights) 2x per week; and at least 4 flights 2 more times.
• I did pretty good on this one and I would say over the course of the month I met this goal through averages at least. A few weeks were less intense but others I took all 11 flights 4+ times! I will keep working on this. 

And that's it!  Not impressive, although I'm not depressed. I thought I set some very reachable goals and expected to have no problems meeting them. Yet, a few things took my attention elsewhere and I'm okay with that.  My bigger challenge is to manage those "attention grabbers" and to still fit in the basics - healthy eating and regular exercise. Balance is tricky, but I'll keep plugging away...

What a Difference a Year Can Make...

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."
    ~Beverly Sills~

I couldn't tell you the exact date.  I did that on purpose - failed to note my "start" date.  Because - seemingly hundreds of times before - I had done just that. Drew a line in the sand on "x" date, sure that things were going to change.  And they would. For a day. A week. A month.  

Until old habits returned.  A few pounds lost, quickly replaced, often with more.  

And it just got too damn depressing.  Looking at a "before" picture, only to realize that the "after" was worse.  Looking at the "before" stats, realizing that numbers were not moving in the right direction.  Before I was fat.  Now I was fat and filled with shame and embarrassment.  A failure. Again. And again.

So, it was approximately one year ago that I mustered up my courage and made a commitment to myself.  I was going to stop driving myself into the ground.  Stop putting myself last. Stop making excuses and start making a difference.  Give my kids a mom they could play with and be proud of.  

It started very small. Little changes. Smaller portions.  More veggies.  No eating after dinner.  

Fortunately, I started seeing some progress right away.  Not huge figures.  A couple pounds here.  Another couple more the following week... but dropping.  It took another couple of weeks for me to decide that I needed to make a regular commitment to exercise.  Again, I don't know the date.  Sometime in late-Feb or early-March I went for my first run. In the cold, in the dark.  Only could make it a minute or two at a time.  But would drag my butt around the darkened neighborhood for 20-30 min, 3 times a week.  Then started doing the Couch-to-5k Program and set my sights on a 5k race in early May.

I ran that 5k in about 36 minutes (?).  I thought I was going to die and wanted to puke at the end.  Seriously.  

And yet, I was so stinking proud. I didn't care if it was slow or ponderous or terribly awkward looking (b/c it was all of those things).  I did it.  It was evidence of a change I had NOT given up on.  

This past Sunday, I ran 10 miles at around 10:45 min/mile pace.  Not speedy by most standards, but a huge improvement in a year.  I ran the entire 10 miles without walking and I didn't need to puke at the end. :) I'm training for the Riverbank Run 25k in May.  A year ago, I would have said 15.5 miles is impossible.  

But it's not. 

Today I hopped on the scale.  And the numbers finally showed what I've been anxiously waiting to see the past couple of weeks.  In the last year(ish), I have lost 50 lbs.  Fifty.  That number just astounds me, and yet it doesn't.  That's less than one pound per week, on average.  If I had thought about losing less than one pound a week a year ago, I probably would have quit in frustration.  It's so hard for so little reward!  What lies we feed ourselves.

I am here to say that 50 lbs in a year is rewarding.  Dropping 3-4 sizes is rewarding.  You know what's even better?  That feeling after completing a 10 mile run.  That feeling of racing and wrestling with my kids.  That feeling when they tell me I should be famous because I can run 10 miles (yes, they are easy to please, but still).  Knowing that they are all proud of me and supporting me, not matter what my size.  

I told Mark this morning that I'd hit this milestone.  He hugged me and told me he was proud of me.  But he seemed a little surprised.  Maybe that's because he has always thought I was beautiful.  I didn't need to lose this weight for him and that has made all the difference as well.  But I needed to do it for me.  I am starting to see what he sees...

And I'm proud.