Lent... and letting go.

Today is Ash Wednesday.  I grew up in a Catholic family and observed the Lenten season for many years. It has been awhile since I've considered myself a Catholic, but only a few years since I have stopped acknowledging the "rules" of Lent (i.e. many years of Friday tuna fish lunches, etc!).  However, today I  completely forgot it was Ash Wednesday until about an hour ago - after eating a leftover enchilada (with ground turkey).  Sigh. Ah well, pretty sure God will forgive the turkey.

But I digress.

I have been thinking about Lent more this year than I have in awhile.  Maybe it's just where I am at right now, but I know I *need* something and it must come from God. Despite knowing that, I have been struggling to get close to Him, finding excuses to make everything else the priority. As anyone could guess, that has simply caused a vicious cycle and left me feeling... just off.

So.

What better time than Lent than to take steps toward God? To stop being so off and find a way back on again.

Usually during Lent, people give up luxuries, things like sweets or social media. Some form of penitence (I've given up pop and chocolate too many times to count!). This year, I'm working on giving up control. I spoke a little about control here, and although I do want to avoid micromanaging my family, what I am speaking about now is more about more generally giving up control to God. Trying less to get my ducks in a row (or a tight military formation!) and more about trusting. Not hoarding my fears and worries, but giving them up to the only One who can really do anything about them. 

It's about giving up the ugliness inside, letting it out; instead of trying to bury it and hide it and keep it for my own. It's about not having it all together - not pretending to have it all together - and not needing to have it all together. And appreciating the many blessings I have, whether I have it all together or not!

I'm still brainstorming what this might mean for the next 40(ish) days. I expect journaling, self reflection (perhaps some here, plenty privately).  I have a few books I want to read.  And prayer.

[Side bar:  Here's a confession - I find praying really hard. I get distracted. It's always been difficult for me to imagine this direct line with God in a way that makes prayer a natural conversation. One way I want to tackle this is to commit to at least one unplugged run a week - no music, no audio book. Just my thoughts or lack thereof. I am fairly confident that I will start talking to myself, which seems a good lead in to prayer. :) End side bar]

Since February is already half over and I never actually sat down and gave myself some goals, I'm not going to. I'm going to work on this. I'm going to work on letting go...

Adoption and Control

Here's another little thing no one ever told me about adoption.  It will change the way you parent.

Wait. Strike that. It may change the way your parent. At least, it did for me.

I wouldn't say I am a Type A person. I wouldn't say I am particularly laid back either. I think that, for the most part, I fall somewhere in between, ebbing and flowing, depending upon the day or the topic at issue. I never used to think of myself as a controlling person. 

I know parents that won't let their children out of the house unless they are spit-shined and perfectly dressed (matching of course).  That's not a hot-button issue for me. Have any of you seen Ally? She never matches. :) 

But just because a combo of stripes and plaid doesn't get me all worked up, doesn't mean I don't want to control other things.

Was it always like this? Our pre-adoption days seem so long ago, but I don't think so. Especially not for my husband, who is in fact, a very laid back guy. 

Sometime, very shortly after returning from Ethiopia the first time, our parenting style began to change. It had to. It was survival.

[Mark and the kids mid-2008]

You see, Abi and Hana went from a life of very limited choice to one, by comparison, that was full of the unknown and new in almost every waking moment. New foods, new clothes, animals, people, weather, language. It was extraordinarily overwhelming and overstimulating. So the control started, in large, part, to minimize the stress for them. 

We would lay out two outfits for them to chose from, rather than give them full reign to dig through their closets. They could have this or that for lunch, a banana or an orange for snack. Sometimes, even limited choices were too much.  Slowly, this changed, but it took time.

But the control went beyond food and clothing; it had to. Both kids had just spent significant time in an orphanage and there were consequences that needed to be addressed. We had to limit the amount of people in their lives who were permitted to give them physical affection. For example, we withdrew Abi from preschool (for several reasons, but) in part because his teachers were constantly hugging and holding him. Then, Mark would come to pick him up at lunch time and Abi would hide from him. It was not good for our attachment.

Then we adopted an older child. The first few months we were just trying to awkwardly get to know each other, with out limited language skills. We knew we had "broken all the rules" on older child adoption by going so far out of birth order, so we were careful. We were observant and tried to keep an eye on everyone - to keep everyone safe and happy.

Do you know what constant vigilance does to you after two years?

It changes you. It changes how you parent. It changes your norm, your status quo.

But life continues to change. Kids continue to develop and grow and thrive. But control has not completely left us.

Control - something that started out as a benefit to my children, a safety mechanism - has turned into something ugly and unhelpful.

I never wanted to be a helicopter mom. I didn't think I even had it in me. I don't double-check every answer on my kid's homework and then fix the ones that are wrong. I don't demand that teacher's change their grades. If they forget their lunches or library books, I don't run them up to the school. They deal with their own consequences.

However, lately it has become clear to me that I am struggling with other control issues. It tends to crop up in different ways, catching me off guard. I'm doing my best to (1) be aware of it, and (2) address it. This appears to involve some soul-searching and introspection on my part. Blech. But it is a much-needed exercise, for the benefit of my kids and myself. It's hard enough to control my own life, I certainly don't need the extra obligation of micro-managing theirs. :)

January Rewind

WHOA.  How, HOW can it possibly be February already. Seriously, I have a tough time wrapping my brain around it. Yet, all in all, January kind of ... well, it sucked. So, in many ways, glad to just put it behind us and move forward into February.

Still, I wanted to take a look back at my goals to hold myself accountable and re-evaluate to set some goals for the coming month.

First, in January I pledged to tackle the overall goal of starting my day right, which I defined more or less as "focus on simply getting up when I need to get up (as determined the night before)."

So, how did I do?  Pretty terrible. I kind of gave up on this halfway through.  I started fairly strong and was journaling regularly and getting in (some) of my workouts first thing. But a couple of times I woke up and just had nothing - no desire to meditate or journal, no desire to run, nothing. Once, I even went back to bed (sad, I know). I still think that this has value and I'm continuing to work at it. Part of the problem is that I am often over-zealous at night and then I wake up and remember how COLD and DARK it really is at 5 a.m. Bah.  I've also been on antibiotics and a ton of cold meds for awhile and they seem to be giving me really weird/bad dreams. I didn't' sleep well this month at all. 

Other goals?

Running & Fitness - My January goal is to get back to running 3-4 days consistently each week. 

RESULT - More or less accomplished. I decided to jump into marathon training and my plan calls for 4 days/ week running. Except for my sick week I have stuck to my plan.  

Financial - Get back to a written budget. 

RESULT - Done, but in the nick of time. :) Procrastinated right up until the end of the month, but do have a fairly comprehensive budget drafted for February and M and I are both committed to getting back on track. Bonus - I started our taxes. 

Career - Undertake some form of networking activity. 

RESULT - Done, though not what I'd hoped for. I met with a friend of mine from law school twice, which ended up being not only fun, but a step forward in this department. However, I had to cancel another meeting I had set up and missed two networking events I had planned to attend because I was dead to the world for a week. 

Relationships - My goal for January is to have as many positive and purposeful one-on-one interactions as possible with Jhon. 

RESULT, Could have been better.   I would give myself a "check mark" here, but I can't really say "done." It's going to take continual, planned effort on my part to really reach him one-on-one, but we are doing it. Last night, for example, I read a library book to him that he had picked out. It was a dinosaur almanac in Spanish. Do you know how hard it is to read about the Jurassic era in espanol! But it was a lot of fun. He was pretty interested and was even able to explain to me certain words that I could read but i didn't know. I don't think I will make this a continual "goal" as far as the blog goes, but I will continue to look for these opportunities to reach him one-on-one.

Other January News:

Miles Ran:  70.  Not too shabby considering a missed an entire week (in which I had planned to run 24 miles). Pretty pleased overall since it's a big jump from Nov and Dec, but I'm still feeling good and injury-free.

Books Read/Listened to:  Quitter by Jon Acuff (review here); Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed.  Wild is all the rage right now in blog-land and was an Oprah bookclub book (which I didn't know before I listened to it - I'm not a big Oprah fan).  My take? I was disappointed. The underlying story of pain and redemption certainly has great value, but it didn't really reach me. I don't consider myself a prude, but the frank discussions of drug use, infidelity, sex and so on struck me more as for shock value and just didn't strike an emotional cord with me.  I was most interested in the parts about the trail and the hike itself, which are more of a set-up for the rest of her story than the subject of the book itself.  However, I did listen to the entire book and was not really compelled to stop, so I suppose there is that. I don't think I will read it again. 

TV/Movie Obsession - Hands down, Downton Abbey. In January, Mark and I watched all of seasons 1 and 2 and caught up on 3.  Love it. I'm a sucker for a good period piece and I'm really enjoying this one. 

Family Update - Kids are keeping us busy. Hana decided to try basketball, so we've had Saturday games added to our schedule. S is conditioning for Spring soccer and attending youth group. It seems like we've had a million doctor appointments,which will continue into February. Something is always coming up with someone. Poor Mark ends up doing a ton of shuttling around after school. Trying to get a handle on this before we lose our minds. :) Mostly, it's fun and I'm glad the kids have found different activities to enjoy. And it makes me enjoy the lazy days when we are home together with no plans all the more!

Other things I'm loving?  Boots. Really enjoying the boot craze. However, I don't enjoy skinny jeans, which are kind of a must with the boots. :( These muscle-y calves were not made for skinny jeans!

"Don't Quit Your Day Job... Yet." Quitter by Jon Acuff

I finally finished my first book of 2013, Quitter by Jon Acuff. I actually purchased this book about a year ago, read ten pages, we decided to adopt again (losing all interest in the subject matter) and I set it aside. I finally picked it up again and I'm glad I did.

The concept of the book is simple.  It's a sort of guidebook to following your career dreams in a practical way. The subtitle states "closing the gap between your day job and your dream job." However, I actually think that the marketing sells the book a bit short. Although the purpose of the book is correctly stated, the value of it goes further.  Although I am beginning to work on my next career steps, I think I would have gotten value out of this book even if I had planned to stay at my existing job indefinitely. 

The book starts with a chapter entitled "Don't Quit Your Day Job." I love that the book started out this way. Acuff explains how quitting your day job too quickly can be extremely damaging to your dream, because you are trading one boss (at your job) for another (bills without a plan to pay them!).  This falls right in line with the advice of Acuff's current employer, Dave Ramsey. In following chapters he goes on to explain how to use your current job to further your dreams, encouraging you to find similarities between the two, even if they aren't obvious. He gives advice as to "Falling in Like with a Job You Don't Love" in Chapter 4:

"Bad employees make horrible dreamers. You can't loaf on your day job all week and then expect to magically throw the switch on the weekend and hustle on your dream. The things you do on  your day job tend to follow you home."

One of my favorite bits of advice was to "Remember why you work." When days are tough and you think you can't tolerate another day at x, y, z job, think on the reasons you work - even the minor ones. Being able to pay your dentist for that emergency filling. Feeding your family. To wear shoes. To donate to charity.  Everyone's list is different, but everyone can make a list. I know that it's easy for me to forget about those basic and essential points when I'm frustrated about something.  This task also may help keep you in the present, appreciating the here and now and not constantly looking ahead to when things will be "better."

There were some portions of the book I thought were helpful in other areas outside of career. For example, Acuff recommends that you define your "enough" in order to understand when you are successful. "The first taste of success, of winning, awakens the giant of enough. And if it's not already defined, it will grow out of control.... [D]efine what your enough will look like." This can be true with something like a health and fitness goal as well. If your goal is to just "run faster" than you can chase that goal your entire life. There is nothing wrong with continuing to improve your speed. However, but failing to define "success" at various points along the way, you don't get to enjoy your success  It's never enough! Maybe you start with a 4:30 marathon and your second is a 4:05, a huge PR. But if you have allowed your definition of "fast" to morph and change and never be defined, you might be disappointed with that time. Defining "enough" does not mean you are limiting your goal setting.  But it allows you to recognize success, enjoy it and reevaluate, rather than end up on a constantly searching battle for more. 

I enjoyed this book. It was a fairly quick and easy read and contained some good advice. Well worth the $10 price, although I suspect many libraries also carry it. Jon Acuff has an interesting blog as well.  He doesn't know me and I certainly didn't get anything to give this review.  I just enjoyed the book. :) 

Struggling

Although I made a number of goals for January, my overarching goal has remained my personal challenge to myself to get up when I need to get up. By that I mean, to make a decision re time the night before, set the alarm, and get up when it goes off.

So far, I suck at this.

Most days, I have woken up in enough time to still get my 5 minutes of free writing in and my run (if planned). BUT not once have I actually gotten my butt out of bed when my alarm actually goes off.  And even on the days I get up shortly thereafter, I have still be struggling!  Today was a prime example.

I really want to start getting up at 5 a.m. regularly. That gives me a solid chunk of time in the morning to get my exercise in, writing, praying, etc. These are things that simply don't get done (or not consistently) unless I make them a priority fist thing.  I know that it will be easier if it's the same time every day (i.e. not only run days, etc).

There is a glaring flaw in this plan. Five a.m. comes at 5 a.m. every day. And that's e.a.r.l.y. people. Five a.m. feels particularly early when you don't plan ahead and get to bed early enough the night before. Vicious cycle.

Anyhoo, alarm went off today at 5:05 or thereabouts. I snoozed and eventually turned it off. I laid there in the dark a few minutes more, holding my phone and even wearing my glasses (to encourage me not to drift back off), dreading getting out of bed. I finally do, and shuffle to the bathroom.  5:23. Bah.  Oh well, plenty of time.  I s.l.o.w.l.y. get dressed, put my contacts in, etc. I check my email on my phone, read a Facebook message. Anything to avoid going out in the cold.

5:44. I finally drag myself out of the bathroom and sit down for my 5 min free writing. It's kind of depressing. Just not feeling it this morning. 5:53 I finally lace up, grab Perry's leash and head out into the cold. He's thrilled, I'm not. I forgot to put on my Yaktrax and the road is slick. I'm immediately slipping and sliding. Half mile in, I'm done. Nothing hurts, I'm not sucking wind. I just do not want to be out there. I'm cold, cranky and DONE.  So then... I quit. I actually just went home, peeled off the running layers and got back into bed.  Blech.

I'm not proud of this - just keeping it real. I'm frustrated with myself. I have some big desires for this year, things I want to work for, yet I'm not yet willing to put the time in to get there.  I know what some will say, but I don't think I'm pushing too hard.I don't need a break (I've had one). I'm not putting too much on my plate. Frankly, it's a lack of discipline and simply being "out of practice."  I can't expect to spend 2 months basically getting up at the latest moment and then BAM be able to turn it all around overnight.  So, I'm working on giving myself some grace, but not giving up on my goal...

I will tell you what I AM proud of though.  Despite my rough morning, I did get my run in over lunch!  I did about 4.5 miles, making the day an even 5 (I get credit for that cold 1/2 mile this morning!).  I wore my Altras for the first time since my rotten New Years Eve run. I am still not fully transitioned and I still had some tingling and numbness after 2 miles. Ideally I would have taken them off and finished the run in other shoes (not practical at work). Instead, I took time to stretch out my calves and to walk it off. Aside from the tingling feet, I felt good and strong. Not particularly fast (not that the icy sidewalks would permit it) but I wasn't huffing and puffing. I'm getting there. I'm remembering WHY I want to get up at 5 a.m., why I would even consider another marathon, why I'm doing this.

[post-run]

Because, at the end of the day, I love the run.

[Image Source]

Getting Off on the Right Foot: January Goals

As I tackle 2013 deliberately, I wanted to identify my January goals before the month got away from me.  I am focusing on six categories:  Relationships, Spiritual, Health & Nutrition, Running & Fitness, Career, and Financial. Each month I will identify several quantifiable goals in some (or all) of the categories. 

For January, I already gave myself a general challenge to start my day right by getting up when I plan to get up and spending at least 5 minutes in prayers/meditation/gratitude/free writing. I haven't exactly started the year off with a bang here, but will be working on making this a habit! As I noted previously, I think this goal actually fulfills several categories. 

As for my other categories, I have a few other things I want to check off my list for January:

Running & Fitness - I have about 17 things I want to list as goals here, but I know that is neither practical, nor safe. My January goal is to get back to running 3-4 days consistently each week. If I am going to run the Riverbank Run 25 in May or any half marathon this spring, I have got to get my base up soon and get into a training plan. Getting in these regular runs is key. 

Financial - Get back to a written budget. Spending the last two months either traveling or recovering  (and then the holidays!) has really taken its toll. We've gotten off track with both (a) writing out a budget and (b) following it. I don't expect getting back on board to be easy, but for January my goal is to actually put a budget to paper (or at least on Excel) with Mark. 

Career - Undertake some form of networking activity. Yep, I realize that's pretty open ended and most professionals are probably shaking their heads that I need to even make that a goal!  But the truth is, my family/personal life has been so consuming for the last few years that I have let nearly all networking and career development fall by the wayside. I need to slowly break back in... I haven't decided if I will attend an event or class (there are a few good ones coming up) or even just grab coffee with an old classmate. But I must do something!

Relationships - My goal for January is to have as many positive and purposeful one-on-one interactions as possible with Jhon. Jhon has slid into our family so seamlessly and easily that I fear he is not getting enough attention. This is still a very critical time in our relationship development and I want to make sure I'm taking full advantage of those little moments, like an extra cuddle before bed, or pulling him into my lap during a movie, or sneaking an extra kiss before leaving in the morning. He is affectionate and sweet but very non-demanding in many ways and I know we must be vigilant about improving attachment. 

I think that provides quite a solid start! I'm doing my best to be realistic, yet ambitious. I plan to challenge myself this year, push myself in various ways.  I have always found the best "me" comes out when pushed. When left to just see what happens, I tend to just slide by. I want more than that. We simply have too little time in this life to waste.

Resolutions, Goals and Desires for 2013 (Part 2)

Part 1 can be found here.

First, I decided my word for 2013 is DELIBERATE.  I want to act deliberately this year, both in working toward my goals and just in general, as a way to help me further enjoy my very full and blessed life. :) 

[Selam and I on NYE.  Love this girl.]

With that as a backdrop, I have been thinking about more specific goals or resolutions and whether or not I wanted to make them.  I was concerned about making these vague, overreaching resolutions that were difficult to quantify. Yet, I struggle with making very specific goals (e.g. run a 9 minute mile or lose 7 pounds or get a new job doing x, y, z).  I have no idea what this year holds on many levels and various changes in one area of my life (e.g. career) have a significant impact on other (e.g. longer hours leaves less time for training, etc).

So. 

I decided to pull out a few major areas of my life that I want to focus on in some way/shape/form this year. Each month, I will give myself mini-quantifiable goals in some or all of these categories:

Relationships

Spiritual

Health & Nutrition

Running & Fitness
Career

Financial 

One goal may even apply to different categories. For example, I have already challenged myself to get up when I need to get up in the morning and spend at least 5 minutes praying, writing or otherwise setting myself up for the day in a positive way. The simple act of actually getting up when my alarm goes off allows me to (1) get my workout done in the morning (Running & Fitness), (2) gives me time to reflect and pray (Spiritual), and (3) avoids me running late and getting stressed with the kids (Relationships).

I'm feeling really positive about this manner of goal-setting this year! I hope to sit down and quantify a few goals for January soon. I will have to be deliberate about that though - time sure can get away from me! :)

Resolutions, Goals and Desires for 2013 (Part 1)

It's that time of year. :) 

Bloggy-Land and other forms of social media are full of the shiny new resolutions of millions. "Resolution" itself is a rather divisive word. Some people love them, some hate them. Personally, I love the definition of resolution:

res·o·lu·tion

[rez-uh-loo-shuh n] 

noun.

a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

But I struggle with "making resolutions" in practice. In part, this struggle likely comes from years of resolving to "lose weight" and then going full-force into unrealistic/un-maintainable lifestyle changes and crashing and burning. The last few years I have shied away from making resolutions or even specific goals for this reason.  Yet this year, I feel the need to be more purposeful with my time and goals. I want to put them out there - even if I don't hit them all, I want a record of how far I've come!  I'm struggling with making TOO MANY but we'll see. :)

To start, I wanted to give myself a word of the year. Something to keep in the back of my mind to guide my steps.  I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now and gone back and forth on a few that jumped out at me.  Some words seem completely on point for certain parts of my life, but not so applicable to others.  I finally settled on one:

Deliberate can be defined a few ways

1.

carefully weighed or considered; studied; intentional: a deliberate lie.

2.

characterized by deliberation; careful or slow in deciding: a deliberate decision.

3.

leisurely and steady in movement or action; slow and even; unhurried: a deliberate step.

verb (used with object)

4.

to weigh in the mind; consider: to deliberate a question.

verb (used without object)

5.

to think carefully or attentively; reflect: She deliberated for a long time before giving her decision.

6.

to consult or confer formally: The jury deliberated for three hours.

 

Sometimes life is just too busy.  With six kids, both of us working full time and all that comes with it, I know I am guilty of letting life just ... happen to me sometimes. I hate that feeling - that time is just passing by and I'm not truly engaged. I'm just surviving. Surviving isn't always stressful. Sometimes it's downright pleasant to just float along. But it's not living up to my full potential as a wife, mother, employee or person. I want to be deliberate in my relationships and decision-making, in my career and with my finances.  I want to be more attentive and more present with God.

So, in 2013 I choose to be more deliberate. I choose to actively engage in my own life!

2012 in Review... and Welcome 2013!!

2012 was a pretty major year for me and our family. We had our ups and downs, but are so, so thankful. I wanted to take a few minutes to review a few of those high (and low) points as I prepare for the new year. There are a lot of these random surveys going around the blogosphere, but I'm just going to make my own categories. :) Looking over both (a) the categories I chose, and (b) my answers, makes me realize the following will also likely provide the basis for my goal setting for 2013 :) That's handy.

Biggest Accomplishment or Event (Running/Fitness)

The obvious answer is the Detroit Marathon.  It was my first (though I expect not my last) marathon and something that I NEVER thought I could do (or even want to) until this year. To accomplish that - well, it almost turns your whole world on its head doesn't it?  I mean, what ELSE can I do!??! 

That being said, a close follow up would be the Riverbank Run 25k.  At that point, that was my longest race (and the longest I ever expected to run).  We had some personal challenges right before it and I was in a tough place mentally. That race was hard for me, harder than I expected, but crossing that finish line was just such a relief. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Additionally, although I did not quite meet my time goal, I did meet my goal of running the whole way and staying on pace - pretty big accomplishments. 

Biggest Accomplishment or Event (Non-Running/Fitness)

I'm not entirely sure it qualifies as an "accomplishment," but it was certainly a wonderful life changing event to add Jhon to our family this year. Our entire trip to Colombia and these first few weeks home have been surreal.  And although things are certainly not perfect, I have never felt more sure of our decisions and choices in how we have built our family.

Additionally, I feel like I learned a lot more about all our children who have joined us from hard places. Learned a little more about their particular hard places and about trauma generally. Which all led me to realizing how much I still do not know. It's going to be a lifetime of learning really, but we continue to work on this so we can be the best parents possible to these wonderful kids. No easy task though.

Oooooh wait, I have ANOTHER ONE (way too hard to pick!).  This summer, Mark and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. They haven't all been wonderful or easy, but they have all been extraordinarily important and part of who I am as a person, who we are. I am so, so blessed to have this man by my side. :)

Biggest Injury

Fortunately, I've been really lucky in this department. But I did suffer a stupid broken toe during marathon training that derailed me a tad. Frankly, it is still a bit stiff and sore if I mess with it. Don't disregard those toes!

Biggest Regret (Running/Fitness)

Hands down, lack of cross training/strength training. Running has been my go-to exercise since the beginning of 2011. It's efficient and doesn't require much thought. But the truth is that it isn't very complete by itself. I really felt my lack of core strength during those late miles of the marathon and I simply must make this a bigger priority if I want to get faster in 2013.Plus, I would like to jiggle less. Thank you.

Biggest Regret (Non-Running/Fitness)

This year we made the very difficult decision to leave our church. I don't regret the actual choice (hard as it was)- I think it was the right choice. However, I do regret that I still feel unsettled. We have been attending another church, but I haven't really committed myself yet and I'm not quite sure why. A lot has had to do with timing - with Colombia and adding Jhon to our family, the last few months have been chaotic to say the least. But if I'm honest, I started letting my relationship with God slip long before that.  In a year where I needed Him more than ever, I have allowed other things to take priority. I must rectify this in 2013.

Miles Ran -  927!

I should be over the moon about this number - that really is a lot! But I admit to being a tad disappointed that it fell far short of 1000 (which is dumb since I never truly made 1000 a goal). 1000 should have been easy to hit but with only 16 miles in Nov and 31 in December (compared to 142 in August...) it just wasn't in the cards. So we try for 4 digits in 2013!

Family Update!
The years just seem to pass faster and faster! 2012 saw the kids turn 15, 11, 9, 8, 6 and 5. The 6 are spread over 3 schools (9th, 6th, 4th, 3rd, 1st and K grades). Whew. Makes me tired to even think it! :)  Feeling so very, very blessed.

 

Bring it on 2013!

Happy New Year!

Change... and a Challenge

[morning journaling]

As Christmas festivities wind down and the new year looms, the word "change" seems to come to the forefront of my consciousness. I'm not one to set myself "resolutions" every year (although I do occasionally).  Even if I don't lay out specific goals for myself, the idea of starting fresh, of becoming better, takes up residence in my mind.

But I've been thinking about other changes as well.

With adding to our family, you would think "change" is the word of the month around here. And yet, it's not. Such a big change in theory has caused barely a blip in our daily lives. Jhon has settled in with us with such ease, it's like he's always been here. Like there was always this place waiting for him and now it's filled. I was all geared up for this major life change. It's almost been anti-climatic (albeit in a good way!). 

And there are other changes. Things that change nothing, but change everything. A new piece of knowledge and suddenly your world has completely shifted - everything is different! - but the rest of the world continues on with their daily lives, completely unaffected. How to process this?

[That probably all seems completely random, but it makes sense to me and it's my blog.]

This morning after Mark left for work, I pulled out a new journal and started writing my random, whirlwind thoughts. I haven't done this in well over a year. It was messy, confusing and therapeutic. It was necessary. Change comes, whether we want it or not. The changes we need to make seem to come hard. The changes we want to avoid are so often thrust upon us. 

I need to take some time to reflect each day and work through these changes and challenges.  I need to take time to focus myself on my goals and my health (physical, mental, spiritual).  I simply need to stop and center myself each day before the hustle and bustle of life takes over.

So, I'm taking on Amanda's 5 minute challenge.  

photo credit: Run to the Finish

Amanda has challenged her readers to:

Challenge: 5 minutes upon waking spent saying affirmations, creating a gratitude list, meditating, or free writing. 

That simple. The idea being it is completely attainable - only 5 minutes. And it's a small thing to change, yet creates a wonderful habit. 

I love it. I need it. 

So I started today. I cheated and spent much more than 5 minutes. Mostly because I had more than 5 minutes (unusual) and because I needed more today. I already feel better.

I plan to expand on her challenge slightly. For January, I am going to focus on simply getting up when I need to get up (as determined the night before). That means I set a plan and actually follow through. Lately, I have laid out running clothes at night, only to turn off my alarm come the morning. Then I'm running around, late and frustrated, when I could have gotten in a workout, some personal reflection, and a cup of coffee. 

January will be focused on setting myself up for success in the most basic and important way possible - starting the day right. 

[Perry got tired of waiting for me to finish writing this morning...]

Easy Come, Easy Go... Well, easy go at least.

Post 6 miles first full weekend home from Colombia.

 Tired, but pleased.

It's been a wonderful, weird year. Coming off some serious training which culminated in the Detroit Marathon, I went from 30-40 mile weeks to zilch.  It was a necessary evil to prepare for Colombia and then running in Colombia just never quite worked out. Then I came home and jumped right into two weeks of various sickness and craziness. I could go on with excuses, but it doesn't matter. The long and short is that I've barely run for 2 months and it sucks. 

I've been trying to just ignore pace, etc, and GET OUT THERE but this is harder than I expected. It feels so hard. Three "easy" miles aren't easy. A six mile run feels oh-so-long. Frankly, it's kind of depressing. It took SO LONG to build up that endurance and it slips away so very quickly. 

Although I feel like I'm starting over, it is much different from "starting." When I started running, the thought of running a mile straight was overwhelming. I knew I *could* work up to three miles, but it seemed so impossible for so long. Beyond three miles? Crazy talk.  However, now I know it is possible. Not easy perhaps, but possible. 

So, I just have to do it again. Deep breath and GO.

Damn the Numbers

Numbers. Ugh.

I spent much of my life as a bit of a math geek and have always liked numbers. Lately, they frustrate me.  Two examples:

(1) Pace - This one constantly baffles me. I have been trying to figure out what my planned "race pace" will be. During the Riverbank Run, holding steady at 11 min/mile was not easy (and I had really thought I would be able to go faster than that).   Still, I have been holding onto hope that I can handle a 10:30 min/mile marathon pace. This seems pretty bizarre given that the marathon is over 10 miles FARTHER than the Riverbank Run. Yet, based on various pace calculators and my training runs, it seems within the realm of possibility. 

[source]

Anyhoo, last Saturday had 15 miles on the schedule, with the mid-7 to be at race pace. Running at a specific, consistent pace is still a struggle for me. I have no true "feel" for it for some reason? Maybe that was part of the struggle with the Riverbank Run - holding that pace consistently? Anyway, I had a good run Saturday, but admit that I was disappointed when I finally loaded my Garmin data and looked at my splits.  My goal had been for those 7 miles to fall between 10:30 and 10:45.  And then I would finish out the last 4 miles at whatever pace felt comfortable.  Well, out of the 7 miles, I think only 2 were in that desired range.  But 3 of the 4 "cool down" miles were!!  Ugh.  Why is it so hard for me to figure this out? Hmmmm.  Frustrated. 

(2) Weight/BMI - Sigh.

I've been doing really good with this for awhile. For some time, I was frustrated that the number stopped dropping, but was overall feeling good about myself. So I stopped caring about the number so much. I can't pretend I wouldn't like to lose another 10-15 pounds, but I haven't truly taken steps to make that happen (although I keep dancing around it...). I think at this point, a focus on weight loss would hamper my marathon training.  All that to say, I'm mostly okay where I am right now.

So WHAT on earth possessed me to plug my current weight into the BMI calculator this morning!?

[source]

 I know it's just a number.  But it's so frustrating to think about all that work and to see a number that is squarely within the overweight category.  A number, in fact, that is barely shy of obese. Further, losing another 10-15 pounds would not even be enough to put me into the "healthy" or "normal" weight category.  :(

It is dumb. I get that. I know I am not obese. I also know I'm still overweight, although not grossly so. I know that I'm carrying a fair amount of muscle these days and that muscle weighs more than fat. I know that, despite the foregoing, I am fit.

So, why is it that I can know all these things and still be so hurt by a stupid number? 

Three Things Thursday - Things I've learned this week...

Week 1 of Marathon Training and I've already learned so much!

(1) Stick to the schedule if you can - I was a little wishy-washy about my training schedule at the start of the week (still am, admittedly).  As a result, I didn't run Monday (per my original plan), but ran T, W and Th. My "new" plan would have had me run M, T and Th.  Anyhoo, that would have put a rest or cross train day between yesterday's epic 7 miles and today's disastrous 6 (I mean 4.8... cuz that's when I stopped). I know I need a rest day before Saturday's long run, so tomorrow is a big fat lazy day. I'm okay with that. :)
    
Lesson (1)(b) - despite the plan, listen to your body. My revised plan called for 6 miles today. I didn't have it in the tank and cut out short of 5.  It only bothered me for a few minutes.  :) Hoping that Saturday's run is better for it.

(2) Humidity Sucks - Today was the coolest it's been (70ish?) and it was even sprinkling (joy!) but today's run felt terrible!  Then I checked - 91% humidity. What?!?!?  No wonder I couldn't breathe.  Ick.

 Lesson (2)(b) - Rain is awesome, especially when you have barely seen a drop in 2 months.  Usually, I HATE running in the rain (snow is fine) but my grass is dead and brown and I miss seeing green!  In order to tempt fate to continue to rain all day, I continued my run despite the rain AND I didn't bring my umbrella to work.  That should do it.  (update - just checked - it is currently pouring.  YAY)

 

[view of rainy downtown]

(3) Food as Fuel is Harder Than I Thought - Knowing that my mileage is going up steadily for the next 12+ weeks, I'm pushing myself to focus on eating healthier for the purpose of fueling those miles (rather than "losing weight"). Honestly, it's already been more challenging than I expected. As I've expressed before, I've let some healthy habits fall by the wayside and have well... kind of enjoyed eating more or less what I want because I run enough to maintain the weight I've already lost.  And what I have wanted has included far too many empty calories. Boo.  :(  This goal is going to take weeks of work (or at least, paying more attention...) before it feels natural I think.  But it's important for me, marathon or no. Bagels and beer will not be kind to me much further into my 30s, I'm quite sure. :)

Love me some green smoothies and this chocolate almond milk is incredible.  So there's that. 
 

Not too shabby...

Just as a quick follow up to yesterday...

In February I dropped 3.5 lbs (so close to my goal of 4!) and I can still do 20 "real" push ups but NOT 30.  Not too bad considering I have done ZERO strength training in 3 weeks or so. :) All in all, pleased that my fitness level has stayed fairly constant.  I'll take it.

Also, I received several sweet messages from family and friends that seemed worried I was too hard on myself.  I want to assure you I'm not losing sleep over anything. I have just found that I am a "list" person and I do much better if I have taken the time to define specific goals (whatever they may be or relate to). Otherwise, I have a tendency to "coast" and not make much progress on even the simplest tasks.  This is especially true when something else starts to take my attention. I have worked too hard over the past year to lose my progress because I'm distracted by a shiny object. ;) My goals help me to stay the course without letting health/fitness issues take over my life.  A win-win!

February Goals... Bah.

Unlike January, my February goals really went down the tubes.  I was aware of this while it was happening, yet grew very apathetic (hence why they went down the tubes!).  I'll do a brief run-down and hope that it serves to be motivating rather than depressing...

• Lose 4 lbs.
• Ack.  Well, in all fairness, I DID meet this goal. About 15 days into the month! Unfortunately, lazy habits of caused some to come back. Since it's a leap year (!) I'm going to do a final weigh in tomorrow and see. Hoping to see a 3 lb total loss. Would be happy with that. 

• STOP DRINKING POP 
• Bah.  Another one that I did great on for about 2 weeks. Then, it just didn't seem important. I didn't "cave" because I wanted one so badly. I just didn't care. I haven't been drinking them daily again, but probably more than I would care to. I think I'm just going to make a point to keep this habit limited. Not sure I'm ready to just give it up. I actually really enjoy pop, even though I realize it's not good for me. 

• Re-evaluate 25k Riverbank Run Training and then STICK.TO.THE.PLAN. (likely to include 4 long runs, running 4 days/week and at least 1 day with cross training) 
• I was a rockstar for 2 weeks. Last half of the month? Boo. We've been busy (more on that later) so I haven't beaten myself up about it too much. Mostly I just want to remember how GOOD I feel when I am working out regularly, so working on getting back to this. 

• Be able to do 30 consecutive push-ups by month-end (achievable by regular strength training)
• I'll give this a go tonight and we'll see. I think I'd be happy with 20.

•  Complete at least 3 books (at least one non-fiction)
• It was a month of starts and stops.  I read most of Bart Yasso's My Life on the Run, but had to get it back to the library. I have read parts of various other books, but nothing in full.  
• Well, I DID finish the 5th Game of Thrones book (via audio book) AND watched the first season on HBO. So good.  He better not take another 6+ years to write the sixth book!  

•  Take the stairs at work (full 11 flights) 2x per week; and at least 4 flights 2 more times.
• I did pretty good on this one and I would say over the course of the month I met this goal through averages at least. A few weeks were less intense but others I took all 11 flights 4+ times! I will keep working on this. 

And that's it!  Not impressive, although I'm not depressed. I thought I set some very reachable goals and expected to have no problems meeting them. Yet, a few things took my attention elsewhere and I'm okay with that.  My bigger challenge is to manage those "attention grabbers" and to still fit in the basics - healthy eating and regular exercise. Balance is tricky, but I'll keep plugging away...

Goal Check-in ... Accountability is a B$@!h

First, quick THANK YOU for the support on this post (as well as on Facebook)!  It felt so good to share my joy with "you" all and your support has meant a ton.  :)

Second... I need a goal check in.  I admit, this is mainly due to the fact that I am restraining myself from grabbing a Diet Coke right now.  :(  Ugh.  So, a little accountability is exactly what I need... 

• Lose 4 lbs.
• Down 2 so far!  Wahoo! 

• STOP DRINKING POP 
• Double ugh. See above - I did SO good for the first week. It wasn't even that hard.  Then, last Sunday I had a long drive alone and was feeling very "off" and tired.  I grabbed a pop.  Then, was feeling that way yesterday and did it again.  Shoot!  One mistake isn't so bad, but 2 in only 9 days. Dangitall.  Back on the wagon.  Say it with me: I-don't-need-diet-coke-I-don't-need-diet-coke.

• Re-evaluate 25k Riverbank Run Training and then STICK.TO.THE.PLAN. (likely to include 4 long runs, running 4 days/week and at least 1 day with cross training) 
• Not doing too bad here!  I actually sat and drew up a full training schedule through May... but, realistically, I can't always predict when I will be able to fit things in during the week.  I have not consistently been getting my runs in before work (the snooze is killer).  I have stuck to my plan on total mileage and long runs (well, for the last week!), which is my main goal for now.

• Be able to do 30 consecutive push-ups by month-end (achievable by regular strength training)
• I haven't really started the core/strength routine I had planned but have been keeping up on push ups fairly regularly.  Still within reach! 

• Complete at least 3 books (at least one non-fiction)
• Bit of a slow start! I've got too many things going and likely none will get done!

• Take the stairs at work (full 11 flights) 2x per week; and at least 4 flights 2 more times
• On Feb 1 I made sure to take all 11 flights right away - and then forgot the rest of the week!  I did do at least 4 flights every day last week and have already done 11 flights twice this week. On average, not too shabby. :) 

Well, I still want a pop but I think the worst of the craving has passed.  Whew.