Not Going to Watch from the Sidelines

As I was typing up this post, recapping the weekend, it hit me how much things have changed in the last year and a half...

Just this last weekend alone, I ran, took a strength class, played basketball with the kids, and kayaked.  It was so fun. Aside from being sore from that Body Pump class (seriously painful!) I wasn't terribly exhausted or hurting from any of it.

Two years ago, this wouldn't have been possible. Two years ago I would have simply sat on the sidelines, watching my kids have fun together,without me. Two years ago, date night would not have involved an evening on the lake.  Two years ago, the weekend would have been spent WATCHING my life, not living it.

Two years ago, I was out-of-shape and fat.  

Fat. FAT.

That's a buzz word. It's a word that makes people cringe and look away, embarrassed. It's a word that can inflame and embarrass.  It's a word our society has come to avoid at all costs. 

But I think there is danger is simply avoiding the word. FAT. I did for a long time, and it allowed me to just avoid my problems.

Fat isn't a number on a scale. It isn't a size of clothing. It isn't even a comparison to a model or your best friend.

For me, FAT was simply not living my best life. 

I wasn't happy. I wasn't comfortable.  I wasn't me.

In February 2011, I made a choice. And I started eating less crap. It was as simple as that. I did not make perfect choices every day. In fact, I wasn't perfect MOST days. But it was a start.  A few weeks later, I took  my first step out the door (literally) and went for my first run. "Run" might be an over-statement. I went for my first huffing-and-puffing around the block mess.  I could barely make it a minute. I only ran in the dark when I was not likely to be seen. But I ran.  And again the next day. And the next week.

And, I got my life back.  

The weight didn't fall off.  But it started slowly dropping.  And I - finally - felt some sense of control. Like waking up from a bad dream. It's still a struggle.  In the last 15 or so months, I have lost about 55 lbs.  In theory, I'd like to lose another 10-15, although I'm not really actively trying to do so.  I still battle many old demons, including emotional and mindless eating. I suspect I will battle with these bad habits my entire life to some degree. But giving in is no longer an option.

I refuse to go back. I refuse to sit on the sideline.  It's my life and I'm here to play.